Maintaining a healthy and happy relationship requires effort and commitment from both partners.
However, some common behaviours can lead to serious consequences and even ruin the relationship.
In this article, we will discuss three serious things that couples do that can damage their relationship and provide insights on how to avoid them.
Communication breakdown: A couple’s relationship can be severely damaged when communication breaks down. Couples need to communicate effectively, sharing their thoughts, feelings, and needs with one another.
Without effective communication, misunderstandings and hurt feelings can occur, leading to dissatisfaction in the relationship. Bottling up one’s emotions can have explosive consequences. When a partner can no longer hold on to their issues, they may explode in ways that can either end the relationship or make it stronger.
To prevent this, it’s crucial to create an environment in which partners can open up and share their doubts and worries. By doing so, they can strengthen their relationship and deepen their bond.
Lack of trust: Trust is a crucial element in any healthy relationship, and its absence can cause significant damage. Betrayals, such as lying or cheating, can trigger feelings of anger, resentment, and mistrust, ultimately leading to the relationship’s demise.
Effective communication is key to maintaining the trust and preventing betrayal in a relationship. It’s essential to avoid giving your partner any reason to doubt you, such as hiding your phone when they’re nearby. Such behaviour can raise suspicion and damage trust.
Additionally, it’s important to avoid closing yourself off to your partner when you’re dealing with issues. Instead, communicate with your partner and work through the problems together. By doing so, you can strengthen your bond and build a more solid foundation of trust.
Neglecting the relationship: Inattentiveness is a serious threat to the success of any romantic relationship. Neglecting the bond between two people can manifest in a variety of ways, including insufficient quality time, disregard for each other’s desires, or becoming content and assuming the relationship will remain as is.
If couples allow their relationship to fall into neglect, they may be unwittingly signing their death warrant. It is crucial to prioritize and invest in the relationship to keep it alive and thriving and to ensure a future together.
Finally, a breakdown in communication, a lack of trust, and neglecting the relationship are three serious issues that can destroy a couple’s relationship. Couples must recognize these issues early on and take proactive steps to address them before they escalate.
Maintaining open and honest communication, building and maintaining trust, and consistently prioritizing the relationship are key to fostering a healthy and long-lasting partnership. By being aware of these potential pitfalls, couples can take action to keep their relationship strong and fulfilling.
In the latest episode of Moans & Cuddles, host, Paula Amma Broni delved into trust in relationships.
The conversation centred around the idea that while single people are often free to keep their property to themselves, society regards it as a betrayal when married people do so.
During the episode, the guests, Victor Wellrich, a Senior Accounts Manager at Benchmark Marketing and Anastasia Okine, who is a Co-founder of Hey Girl Foundation, explored the reasons why a spouse might hide a property from his or her partner, and how such actions can have dire consequences in their union.
They explained that hiding something as significant as property can erode trust, cause resentment, and ultimately lead to the breakdown of the marriage.
This episode of Moans & Cuddles highlighted the importance of open and honest communication in building trust in a relationship.
Couples were encouraged to have regular conversations about their finances, assets, and investments, and to work together towards shared financial goals.
Moans & Cuddles continues to provide valuable insights into relationships and the issues that can arise as well as propose a better resolution in crisis situations.
In an apparent demonstration of the message he is propagating, the young man could be seen enjoying some spa time with his girlfriend in a video shared originally on Instagram.
“If you didn’t meet her rich, what’s wrong with helping her become rich,” he captioned.
You know the relationship was toxic, but for some reason, you can’t help but miss them, pine over them, and hope for them to change. Or, you might stay in a dead-end relationship because it hurts too much to leave.
First, to clarify, when I say dead-end relationship, I mean a relationship that involves an attachment to someone who is painfully unattainable (perhaps they are emotionally unavailable, they don’t want a committed relationship, or they are already married). This doesn’t necessarily mean that this person is evil or has bad intentions, but it means you and your partner are on two completely different wavelengths, and this is a chronic pattern, not a blip.
If you logically know you’re in a dead-end relationship, then why the hell is it so hard to let go of them? Well, you just might be addicted your ex. Here are some ways to find out.
You have a compulsive drive to remain connected to a particular person. Whether this is your ex that you were with for years, or the person you just went on a few dates with. You feel a drive to connect even if you know it’s bad for you, but can’t seem to control the urge and reaction to that urge.
Panic at any signs of a threat to the connection
You feel overwhelming panic if you sense that the connection might be threatened or if you can’t get your beloved’s attention or affection. This might cause you to react in ways that violate your own values and boundaries. You might call/text the person even though they have disrespected you or are not responding. You feel humiliated and ashamed, but you can’t seem to help but keep trying different things to make the person react and give you attention.
Intense withdrawal
You feel intense withdrawal symptoms. While it’s natural to feel sad after a separation and to miss the person and the relationship, you suffer a degree of agony where you feel like you’ve completely fallen apart and the only way to feel better is to get a ‘fix’ by going back to the person. The craving overrides all sense of sensibility and rational thought. In an almost unconscious state, you’ll do whatever it takes to satiate the craving.
Feeling incomplete
Beneath all these different hallmarks of addiction is a sense of incompleteness and not feeling whole, and the only way to fill that hole is to fill it with the validation of someone else. This person becomes the center of your universe in which you orbit around, and you’ll do whatever it takes, despite the negative consequences to maintain the connection.
If this describes your attachment to your ex or someone you’re dating, it may be an indicator that you are in a relationship where the addictive elements have become so intense that it’s controlling your ability to make healthy choices. The overwhelming compulsion to stay connected comes at a cost for your longterm happiness and emotional well being. The first step to breaking your addiction is recognizing that this is an issue and that yes, you’re hooked on someone despite it’s negative toll on your well being. The next step is learning the tools to shift your patterns.
Remember, it takes two people with unresolved issues to make a dysfunctional relationship function. Our relationship patterns follow us wherever we go. Your patterns do not change unless you do the work to change them.
Whether you’ve gone through a breakup, or you can’t stop thinking of someone who isn’t available – you may know that feeling of wanting to make contact despite your better judgment. You may even feel a sense of addiction – like you have no control over your impulse to make contact.
You’re not alone. This is quite common when we experience separation, rejection, or a threat to our attachment. Here are some tips that will help you.
1. Understand what’s happening in your brain.
When you’re trying to get over someone, it’s important to stop contact and revisiting old messages or photos. You have old neural pathways that were built when you were with the person, and the more you engage, the more you keep strengthening old neural pathways. When you stop contact, you allow those old neural pathways to prune away. Also, when you crave checking their social media, your brain is actually craving dopamine. Find another way to get that dopamine in a healthier way.
2. Try ‘chunking’
Goals that are too hard are likely to be abandoned, so commit to 30 days of no contact. After that, assess and see if you can commit to another 30. This breaks down the goal into chunks and makes it more manageable. If you must communicate due to co-parenting, the key is to keep the interaction neutral. Do not share good news, do not engage in a fight – both create a chemical rush. The emotional charge is what keeps you hooked.
3. Ride the 20-minute wave.
The intense craving to contact the person will last on average 20 minutes. That’s how long it usually takes for the intensity to reach its peak and then start to subside. When we don’t know there’s an expiry date to the pain, we think it will last forever and then give in to the temptation. Find something to distract yourself (preferably something that requires you to move your body) during these 20 minutes.
Withdrawal is normal. You’re not going crazy. But it takes practice to learn how to manage the impulses. It’s a matter of practice. You got this.
You don’t see the Gary Coopers, the Chuck Norris’, and the Clint Eastwoods’ of the world letting their guard down, talking about what’s been bothering them and their relationship fears, do you? This conditioning is precisely why men correlate vulnerability with weakness, and ironically, that’s also why when a man is vulnerable with a woman, it ends up being a beautiful thing. That’s not to say that all men are the splitting images of the stoic, mustachioed, “serious” men that we mentioned.
According to research, contrary to what most people think, vulnerability in men is actually a strength. In order to be a strong and healthy individual, vulnerability must take place with the people that you have built trust with. In doing so, one strengthens relationships, improves mental health, and improves the quality of life.
Some men tend to be more emotionally vulnerable than others, but the point remains that vulnerability is essential to be able to connect with someone on a deeper level. Why would a guy be vulnerable with you? Is he hinting at a deeper connection, or does his vulnerability not mean much? Let’s take a look at what’s going through his mind when he is finally opening up in a relationship.
What Does It Mean When A Man Is Vulnerable With A Woman?
Before we get to what it means when a man is vulnerable with a woman, let’s talk about what we mean when we say vulnerability. No, there is a fine line between trauma dumping and letting it all out. Furthermore, when someone opens up and expects something in return for “letting them in,” or when a person inconsiderately trauma dumps on someone and leaves the listener feeling distraught since they weren’t ready to handle the intensity of the conversation.
It’s also not when a person shares their pain and hopes their partner will fix them, or when they try to gain sympathy so that their bad behavior can be excused, or when they can coerce their partner into doing something by playing the victim card. Simply put, vulnerability is when a person, without any ulterior motives, opens up about their fears, weaknesses, emotions and flaws. It’s when a person lets their guard down, only to foster a stronger connection with whoever they’re talking to.
As Paulo Coelho puts it, “The strongest love is the love that can demonstrate its fragility.” That’s what being vulnerable means. When a man is vulnerable with a woman, he’s letting her know that he is letting his guard down, and he’s not afraid to appear fragile in front of her, despite how fragility in men is often associated with weakness.
When a guy is being vulnerable with a woman, it almost always results in a deeper connection. You get to know someone better – their fears and ambitions, their inhibitions and insecurities – and just because you’ve been listening, they feel closer to you. If you’re wondering what makes a man vulnerable to a woman, in most cases (assuming that it’s not a toxic coercion technique), It’s because they feel the need to unburden themselves to someone they can confide in, trusting that the listener won’t think any less of them for doing so.
Now that we have a clearer picture of what it means, let’s talk about what happens when a man is vulnerable with a woman, and why he chooses to be so.
Some people can find it difficult to admit to being vulnerable, even to themselves. Admitting that there are some unresolved issues in a dark corner of your mind means that you’re making them real, and that you’ll have to deal with them.
In an attempt to protect ourselves, we may often ignore the things we know we need to deal with. That’s why, for those who find it difficult to open up, finally doing so with another person who they might feel deeply in love with, can change a lot of things for them. Let’s take a look at what happens when a guy shares his vulnerabilities with you, what’s running through his mind, and what changes the relationship might possibly go through.
1. He becomes his authentic self
When he lets his guard down and admits that he’s worried about the path his career is headed toward, he is showing his true nature. He’s not thinking about portraying a favorable image of himself to you. He is being his true self, complete with a few anxious, imagined, worst-case scenarios he has been replaying over and over in his head. If you see the signs of vulnerability in a man or see that a guy friend is vulnerable with you, consider it an indication that he feels comfortable enough to be himself with you.
We all have fears, and when someone is hesitant while opening up in a relationship, it often indicates these things:
A lack of emotional connection
Trust issues in the relationship
Ulterior motives like being interested in someone else or we are afraid of being judged
2. When a man is vulnerable with a woman, it enhances emotional intimacy
Brene Brown Ph.D., author of Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead is a research professor who is an expert in the field of vulnerability. She’s looked at those who have a strong sense of connection and belonging and those who don’t. Her research has found that the difference between the two groups was that those who had a strong sense of love and belonging believed they were worthy of it. People who believed they were worthy of connection experienced greater connectedness.
That’s why it is important to understand that when a guy shows his vulnerable side and when a guy shares his insecurities with you, it means he is ready to freely express his fears, secrets, and opinions. He is after all a human being who wants to feel connected to the woman he has fallen in love with. Furthermore, if a guy is vulnerable with you, he is ready to have healthy relationships in his life.
When a person is comfortable enough to let their guard down and tell you what’s been going through their mind, it’s bound to lead to the development of emotional intimacy in your bond. However, it’s important to note his intentions behind his venting. Is he doing so, hoping that you’ll have the answers to his problems, or is he doing so because he wants to establish a deeper connection with you?
Figuring that out is easy. If you reciprocate his vulnerability by being vulnerable yourself, the way he listens to you will tell you what his intentions were. If it seems like he couldn’t be bothered, he’s probably just talking to you to rant and doesn’t care much about how you’re doing. On the other hand, if he’s listening as intently as you were, looking into your eyes and giving a few nods every now and then, that signifies a wholehearted attempt at fostering a unique connection.
3. Sexual vulnerability can lead to better physical intimacy
Due to past experiences or the “in control” image men think they’re supposed to have in bed, he may not open up during sex. He might not talk about the insecurities and fears he deals with, which essentially means he’s withholding his emotions. Unless you bare yourself – in all aspects of the word – you won’t achieve true sexual intimacy.
When a man is vulnerable with a woman in bed, he’s shrugging off all the performance anxiety, all his past fears and all his insecurities, as if to say, “I love you, and I’m not afraid to be myself with you, even during this intimate act.” The signs of vulnerability in a man in bed will in turn prompt his partner to be vulnerable, which can lead to an explosive yet safe space that you two create and share.
It takes courage to be vulnerable and let your partner know the crazy inner world of insecurities you are living in. But once you feel emotionally connected to someone and want to let them in on your vulnerabilities, it will lead to the two of you having great sex. Here are some tips to enhance your vulnerability if you want to have better sex:
Sex isn’t just about intercourse. It’s not wham-bam-thank you-ma’am. Be involved with each other
Don’t focus on your own body. Pay attention to what your partner likes and enjoys
Listen to the sounds they make
Look at their facial expressions and body language
If he/she freely expresses their sexual desires, fulfill them
4. He will confide in you more often
Why would a guy be vulnerable with you? It’s because he knows that you’re someone he can be himself with and he won’t be judged for it. If you reacted favorably to the last time he put his guard down, he knows he can count on you emotionally and he’ll do so again when he wants to. That’s also probably when he thinks you’re “the one” for him. A confession during those long drives or just an admission of guilt during those late-night phone calls can be all it takes to know that he trusts you.
How does a man show vulnerability? By trusting you. He will tell you all about his traumas and his deepest fears. He will confess why his past relationship didn’t work out. real him will make you fall for him even harder. However, here are some things you need to keep in mind when he places his trust in you and shows you his vulnerable side:
Be empathetic
Be a good listener
Don’t interrupt him when he is talking
Ask follow-up questions
Don’t be judgemental
Don’t ever use his vulnerable emotions against him or use his personal things like flaws and insecurities to attack him
5. You’ll be more empathetic
Vulnerability begets trust, compassion, support, and respect. Hence, when a man shows vulnerability, and she’s vulnerable with him, it can result in both of you being more empathetic in your relationship. When two people are more empathetic toward each other, there’s more compassion and kindness in the dynamic. By walking a mile in your partner’s shoes – which is a tall order if you’re both upset – you’ll inadvertently make sure you’re not making any harsh decisions or saying hurtful things.
Now that you are aware of his true feelings, you will find your own emotions changing. If you were earlier rude to him, you will find yourself becoming a lot more empathetic and patient with him. You will end up consciously choosing the relationship’s betterment rather than being selfish. You will develop stronger bonds with him and his family members. He has emotionally exposed himself to you, there is no bigger sign than this that he wants a lasting relationship with you.
6. Communication will improve
When you’re not afraid of letting your guard down and opening up to someone, the resulting conversations won’t feel forced or pressured. Think about it, when he’s talking about his anxieties and the things that he fears, he’s going to be his truest self, not worrying about the kind of persona he needs to maintain.
And when it’s reciprocated by the listener, it’s going to result in improved communication that will be honest, empathetic, and devoid of judgment. Talking to someone, especially a romantic partner, becomes easier, and ironing out any differences or future conflicts will be smoother too. So, how does a man show vulnerability? Communication will be a close search when you look for the answer to this question. His communication style won’t just improve. He will also make it clear how he wants to be loved and what love languages he prefers.
This is coming from my own personal experience. The longer he dodges to show his true personality, the more difficult it is to have a lasting relationship with him. So, if a guy is vulnerable with you, you will have effective conversations with him. You won’t be walking on eggshells around him and he won’t be offended by your perspectives and thoughts.
7. When a man is vulnerable with a woman, he makes her feel heard
Validation is one of the most important things for a relationship to be healthy and harmonious. When a man starts to share his innermost thoughts and feelings, he will listen to you in return. He will make you feel seen and heard just as much as you make him feel seen, heard, and valued. This will lead to the development of stronger bonds. You won’t even feel insecure if he talks to other women because you know you are the only one he feels safe with. You are his safety net and you are his special person.
An equal conversation is one that doesn’t make it seem like he’s waiting for you to talk so he can continue talking. When a conversation entails vulnerability and reciprocity, you’re not going to feel that way. If you decide to open up to him, he’s going to make sure he listens to you intently, just as you listened to him. As a result, you feel heard, validated, and respected. What makes a man vulnerable to a woman? It’s the desire to establish a deeper bond and establish mutual respect with someone he trusts.
8. He starts to value you in his life
As we’ve already mentioned, it’s not easy for some people to let others see their vulnerabilities. Especially in the case of some men, who have grown up believing that the only way to get through la vida loca is to appear stoic and unphased by whatever life throws at you. Hence, when a man is vulnerable with a woman, it’s almost an admission of the fact that he values her presence in his life.
He knows that if something bad were to happen, this person can be trusted to lend an ear and have his back. He will do things for you to express his care for you. Even if he’s someone who finds it very easy to be vulnerable with a lot of people, he still values and trusts you enough to let himself be that way around you. Men feel like becoming vulnerable when they are in love. Here are some more signs he is vulnerable with you, loves, and values you:
He celebrates your flaws and vice versa. When you celebrate his flaws, it triggers emotional attraction in a man
He respects your boundaries and doesn’t invade your privacy
He does romantic gestures for you like cooking for you and sending you good morning messages
He resolves conflicts in a healthy way and doesn’t punish you by giving you the silent treatment
He wants to see you grow in life
9. You (potentially) move one step closer to a healthy bond
Establishing a “healthy” relationship depends on a myriad of factors. There needs to be mutual respect, trust, compassion and a lot of effective communication. When a man is vulnerable with a woman, you move one step closer toward achieving such a bond, by being able to effectively communicate with each other and trusting each other. When a guy shows you his vulnerable side, you often feel closer to that person than most of your other friends, don’t you? Though romantic relationships and friendships are very different, it’s still a step in the right direction.
Key Pointers
Being vulnerable means showing a person’s true feelings and speaking one’s heart out without any filters
When a guy shows you his vulnerable side, he will trust you more than ever
When a man starts to be vulnerable with you, it means he is ready to make this relationship exlcusive
Now that you have a better insight to the question, “Why would a guy be vulnerable with you?”, you really know what’s going on during those late-night conversations. A vulnerable conversation can lead to more empathy, better emotional intimacy and a better sex life among other things. The next time he opens up about his fears with you, please know that it probably took some courage for him to be able to do so. Acknowledge this act of vulnerability by giving him your undivided attention. He deserves it.
Ghanaian actress Andrea Owusu, popularly known as Efia Odo has counselled women about love.
The outspoken actress and model divulged how love found her recently.
This was after she disclosed her toxic relationship some time ago.
Efia advised women to love themselves first.
“That’s why I say you have to love yourself. I was settling for less than what I deserved. The basic thing, this man couldn’t even do for me. I was so blinded by wanting love so bad that I was settling for way less than I deserve,” she said.
Efia Odo added: “Don’t look for love. Let love find you because I was in that space where I wasn’t looking for love. I was done with men.
“But then love found me. So don’t go looking for love. Let love naturally find you. Sometimes because you are looking and want it so bad, you have to settle for anything that comes.”
From her point of view, it is embarrassing and foolish if a woman proposes to a man.
Media personality, Yeni Kuti, is of the opinion that cheating is not a deal breaker in a relationship or marriage.
The 61-year-old daughter of Afrobeat legend, late Fela Anikulapo Kuti, made this known during an interview with TVC.
According to her, cheating is a deal breaker for her if she finds out her partner is sleeping with another man.
She noted that nothing will stop her from fleeing but should her man cheats on her with another woman she can accommodate it.
“For me cheating is not a deal breaker. My father had 27 wives, my mother didn’t go. I am not saying she was happy, but she didn’t leave. My own deal breaker is if I find out my own partner is sleeping with another man. That is my deal breaker. I will run, they wouldn’t even beg me. I will run.”
Her comment seems not to go down well with some women who disagree with her stance as they took to social media to react.
Uheogbodo: Why do these women give men Leverage to keep Cheating and hurting the women in their Lives! Abeg Cheating is A major Deal Breaker ! No one deserves the Pain , the Betrayal, the mental Damage, the self worthlessness that comes from a Cheating partner!
Amaaraachi5: A lot of women will say they will leave when the husband cheats till they get married. Cheating is wrong, but most women won’t leave their spouse for cheating. At the end of the day people should stick to what makes them happy cos that’s all that count.
Slick_uche: With the amount of diseases and infections out there, cheating should be a deal breaker for everyone because it’s a threat to your life. And this is addition to the emotional and mental damage that comes with cheating. To each his own sha but for me if you cheat, it’s all over. Peace
titilala_brownsugar: You cheat on me, I leave peacefully no bi me a cheating partner go carry hiv come give Abeg I jump and pass
Odycherry: Thank God she said everyone has their own deal breaker … you deal breaker cannot be same with mine.. once you cheat on me as a man, that the end.. me wey Dey keep myself for only you no Dey stupid…
Gagaflicks: This is why the way you were brought up is very important, having this mentality will excuse your husband do unthinkable things and probably give you incurable STD’s, cheating should not be encouraged in men. This thing goes beyond having s*x with another woman, this mentality that men are excused to cheat is breeding a lot of irresponsible men, being responsible starts with self discipline. The fact that your mother wasn’t happy should tell you that cheating is a very selfish act and no woman should be depressed and sad in a marriage, that’s not what God created marriage to be.
It is rare for people to admit to being unfaithful in their relationships, especially in public.
But comedian Richard Kweku Asante, known in showbiz as Kalybos, did just that on television.
He admitted to the host of The Doreen Avio Show on Joy Prime that he had previously cheated on his current partner.
The comic actor was asked whether he had ever cheated on his partner before, and he responded, “Yes. The current one, yes.”
The studio audience erupted in applause after hearing his confession, possibly because of his candour.
“Oh yes. I am [in a relationship]. I happened to fall into one, and I like where it is. In my line of work, most of my colleagues might not agree with this. But very important you have a relationship; have a single relationship.”
“You meet ladies, new faces all the time, so if you’re one who is picky and is not content with what he has, you might find a lady attractive, but tomorrow, definitely, trust me, you’ll find a different lady who’s more than what you saw. It all boils down to you, the guy. Assess yourself to know that I need to settle down with one lady, then the rest can follow,” he advised.
Kalybos did not reveal his current girlfriend’s identity or the circumstances that led him to cheat on her.
However, the filmmaker, admonished individuals who wish to settle down to give it careful thought.
This, he believes, will reduce the tendency to break up with one’s partner.
Kalybos further indicated that he has over the years learned a lot from his female siblings.
One of these lessons, he claims, is how to handle and treat ladies.
Has your relationship been dragging along in an uncommitted state for some time now? Did he totally freak out, stonewall or run away the minute you brought up taking the relationship to the next level? Or perhaps he seemed so into you, you were both sailing into a blissful commitment, then suddenly he just wants to be friends, he won’t commit, or says he’s not ready. You’re left wondering what makes a man want to commit?
Now here you are likely feeling stressed, worried, even rejected because he won’t commit to you. Am I right? You’ve fallen for this man and thought he was falling too. His ambivalence and confusion hurts so badly! It’s hard not to take it personally. You may even feel compelled to run after him, to let things drag on in this uncommitted state, and accept whatever crumbs he may be willing to give.
Here’s what I know for sure. You deserve a man who makes you a priority, who loves you, who commits to you. A man who is marriage material. Yes, men can sometimes take a bit longer to get to commitment, but there is a point when enough is enough. The longer things drag on, the worse you’ll feel about yourself and the more time you waste. And at the end of this post watch the video on why men commit to some women and pull away from others.
So is there hope? Yes. In fact, through my dating and relationship coaching program, we’ve helped tons of women just like you get through this difficult stage and come out of it with a commitment from their guy. Even after the guy initially said he won’t commit or isn’t ready. Here are some of the key steps that work.
If He Won’t Commit Put Him on Probation
Generally, if you’ve been dating for over three months and your partner isn’t responding positively to your talks about becoming exclusive, it may be time to step back. And if you have been dating for more than a year and he’s not responding to your talks about marriage, it may be time to put the relationship on probation.
When I say step back or probation, I mean you need to let him know that you may be leaving him so that he has a chance to work on things. The key is to deliver the message in a kind and mature way that shows you mean business. This will optimize the chance that he will rise to the occasion so that your relationship can grow deeper.
The Probationary Talk:
Start in a mature, kind, and loving way.
Be specific about what is not working.
Be clear about your thoughts about the possible end of the relationship.
Touch on the losses you both will have if things end.
Suggest some actions or ask him for his thoughts on what actions he might suggest to turn things around.
For example you might say: It would be very sad and painful to lose all that we have built up, for one of us to have to move out, to lose our connection. I thought you might be the one but now I’m not so sure. I’m creating an amazing and fun lasting partnership in my life. I want to get married and believe you are that person. If that’s not for you, it’s not for you. What do you think?
Don’t throw this speech in his face as an idle threat during fights or something you endlessly harass him about to gain power in the relationship. If you turn it into an emotional ultimatum, you will lose personal power in the relationship.
Show him what life is like without you.
If he continues to drag his feet and if he won’t commit, you must take a stand. The single most powerful thing you can do is show him the cost of losing you. I know your heart is breaking. But you cannot settle. You must remember that you deserve commitment! This is a matter of self-love, integrity, and self-protection. Don’t allow yourself to endure further disappointment or to waste more of your invaluable time. So work on overcoming your abandonment fears and get moving.
The Cost of Loss Talk If He Won’t Commit
I recommend you first have a “Cost of Loss” Talk with your partner. Again in a strong, powerful way with no drama, tell him something like: My commitment to myself is that I will be married and have children. And it’s time for me to take action. I would love to have that with you because we would make unbelievable teammates and parents together. You are a generous and kind person and would make the best father. But you said you don’t want marriage. So if it can’t be with you, I am going to do it with another man who can be a great teammate and father to my children. Even though I love you, if you simply cannot or will not do it, I am breaking up with you completely. I am taking all my things out of your apartment and you will not be seeing me again.
And then, follow through. This is key. Move out. Stop calling. Cut off contact. And plan some fun activities for YOU. Set new goals, take up a new challenge. If he won’t commit, let him experience missing you.
What Makes a Man Want to Commit?
So you’re wondering, what makes a man want to commit? In these cases, if your guy realizes what he has lost he may take a bold step towards you. For example, when I say bold, I mean he will show obvious signs of transformation. He will buy the ring and /or go into couples therapy or Relationship Coaching with you, or make plans to move in with you. Then you will feel a real shift in commitment! Men who don’t respond to losing you are not going to commit. Ultimately, the relationship isn’t that important to them. So please move o
If you’re struggling with a guy who has been unable to commit, you can get in touch with me today to get a personal gift from me to you.
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When Devi in Never Have I Ever laments “Why can’t I get a boyfriend?”, you know what she is talking about. The sight of couples kissing on New Year’s Day can be sickening if you’re lonely. You are pretty and smart, but no boyfriend seems to be coming your way. So before we talk about the correct way of finding a boyfriend, let’s talk about two things.
First of all, relax. Love is no flight that one must catch. Does everyone find love eventually? Yes, if they have faith in themselves. Second of all, stop beating yourself with self-harming thoughts like “Is there something wrong with me because I don’t have a boyfriend?” It’s possible that you haven’t met the right man or don’t know how to give him the right cue. Because dating is just a game, and you’ve not been playing it right.
“I can’t get a boyfriend, what am I doing wrong?” This was the most common lament in my late twenties. Most guys were easily available if you wanted a casual date, but I was looking for something serious. I was looking everywhere, but there was always something that didn’t click. Till I met Dan. After five years of marriage, when I think back on those days, I realize where I went wrong. So what could be the reasons you struggle to find a boyfriend? Here they are:
1. You are looking for a boyfriend for the sake of fitting in
Think of Devi in Never Have I Ever and her list of “attainable yet status-enhancing people” she picks for herself and her friends to ‘rebrand’ as cool people. It’s not uncommon for teenagers to think “Should I get a boyfriend?” out of pressure. Research indicates that platonic peers influence our relationships and sexual behavior where a ‘taken’ relationship status is established as currency for popularity and social status.
You keep thinking “What is it like to have a boyfriend?” when you look at your friends and only want a relationship out of peer pressure
Before asking a guy out, think, “Do I like ‘him’ or the attention everyone will give us?”
Do you only want a boyfriend so you’ll stop being the third wheel?
There’s a simple test for this. Think of a scenario where you are not around anyone you know. Would you still want to be with this person? If friends are the only reason you want a boyfriend, then it’s not a good idea to look for one. For more expert-backed insights, please subscribe to our YouTube Channel.
2. You don’t know what you want in a man
Another reason you can’t find a boyfriend is that you don’t know what you want in a man. This is also possible when you don’t know what you want in general. This keeps most of your dating history extremely short. Or, worse, you only realize that you and your boyfriend are not right for each other when it’s too late.
When you get together with someone, you get uncomfortable if they behave contrary to your ever-changing expectations of ‘boyfriend material’
You’re constantly dissatisfied with the men you meet
You don’t know why your relationships are not working, and you don’t know how to make it work
If you’re confused, then you need to take some time off. Think about what you want. And take your time assessing if the guy you meet fits into that picture. If he doesn’t, better move on.
3. You’re looking for love in the wrong place
A major mistake that people make is to think they can change someone who wants something strictly short-term into someone who wants commitment. Pop culture pushes the idea that a person can be changed with the ‘power of love’, but this rarely happens in reality.
You keep thinking “Why can’t I get a boyfriend to stay?”, but still get into short-term affairs hoping they’ll fall in love eventually
You ignore signs of commitment issues in men
You feel pressured to present a hyper-sexualized image to be accepted by them
The biggest sign that you’re looking for love with the wrong guy is that he’s not reciprocating your feelings even though you’ve been giving it your 100%.
4. You have this idea of ‘The One’
We all have an idea of the kind of person we want to be with. But if your definition of boyfriend material includes super-high and unrealistic expectations, it may get disappointing. You will discover that no one can fit into that ideal. Pop culture has led to the cultivation of an ideal man which keeps changing with trends. So, ‘The One’ morphs from Edward Cullen to Christian Grey, but he stays consistently unrealistic, unhealthy, and unachievable. Research calls it ‘The Prince Charming Effect’.
Do you visualize men from books, movies, or fairy tales when you think of a partner?
You immediately dismiss a person as a prospective boyfriend if he doesn’t demonstrate all the qualities that you want in your partner
You will not consider a man who doesn’t fit into the physical image of your ‘Prince Charming’, even if it’s someone you genuinely like
It was observed in the above research that unrealistic standards were found to have negative consequences on the holder of such expectations. It’s not bad to have standards, especially if you’re dealing with low self-esteem yourself. But unrealistic standards, especially focusing on physicality, will not do you any good.
5. You don’t have a boyfriend as you don’t know where to look
You keep looking for love in clubs that are full of men looking for the next lay. The same goes for weddings. This might sound ironic, but weddings are notorious for casual extramarital encounters. Similarly, at the workplace, dating a coworker sounds thrilling but only for a few weeks. When you suggest anything long-term, these men begin citing HR policies.
You meet guys in the wrong places without considering the possibility that the kind of man you want is unlikely to be there
You meet a lot of men but they seem to disappear as soon as the night is over
You have nothing in common with these men, except that they’re single too
If you’re looking for someone who enjoys opera and Renaissance art, you’d have a better chance of finding him at an art gallery than a baseball stadium.
6. You are not good with words
Communication plays a major role in the mating scene. You miss social cues which could make your dates comfortable. You say things you shouldn’t, making the whole encounter more awkward. This could be unintentional. For example, if you revel in dark humor, then your date could end up feeling disrespected, turned off, or even humiliated.
You get nervous during first dates. You don’t know what to say. You don’t get jokes or take them literally
Most of your first dates are spent in awkward silence and looking around
You feel relieved when the date ends
Humor is subjective and you can’t do much in a situation where a joke lands wrong. But try to avoid any sensitive subjects. If you believe you’ve given offense, apologize immediately. You need to get over your anxiety when it comes to dating. Relax and stop thinking about impressing him. You’ll find yourself more comfortable talking to him.
7. You don’t know how to present yourself
Humans, like most of the species in nature, look for certain qualities in a mate. These qualities determine the survival of the offspring. Though human beings have evolved, evolutionary psychology still dictates a major part of how a mate is chosen. This makes sure that every species looks for the best in the available stock. In short, you’re going to get very little attention if you can’t bring out the real you in your best form.
Your clothes are either very loose or very tight
Your idea of ‘how should a woman dress up for her first date‘ includes tracksuits and crocs
You’ve always had the same style and rarely try anything new, despite suggestions from friends and family
Dressing up to attract a man may feel sexist to you. But presenting your best version, in a way that aligns with your values, isn’t exactly sexist. Think what it is like to have a boyfriend who dresses shabbily. Do you want someone else to feel that way about you?
8. You think you can ‘manifest’ love without working toward it
I’m not being critical of any woman who believes in serendipity and the power of calling out to the universe. But you have to look at the statistics too. If you take no further action and don’t get out or meet people, the chances of love landing in your lap are minuscule. According to Rachel Riley from the show Countdown, there’s a 1 in 562 chance of you finding love if you leave it to fate. There’s more chance of you becoming a millionaire or having a pair of twins.
You ignore opportunities to meet people because it is the wrong day for that according to your horoscope
You don’t meet guys that do not belong to your compatible zodiac signs
You don’t get actively involved in trying to cultivate a serious relationship with the man you’re dating, and instead, focus on doing rituals to get him to love you
This doesn’t mean that you can’t find love on a chance encounter. But if you choose to not work on getting a guy, and then cry “Why can’t I get a boyfriend?”, you can’t blame anyone else. Outliers exist, but even God helps those who help themselves.
9. You don’t want to try online dating
You often say, “I can’t get a boyfriend, what am I doing wrong?” But maybe you’ve not tried online dating yet. You either have been scared off from the notoriety of such apps. Or you have been on such platforms and were disappointed by the kind of men you met.
You’re scared of getting catfished
You’re scared of landing up with another testosterone-high man who just wants to play games where he doesn’t call you back after sex
You don’t want to initiate an online relationship because you think you’ll get two-timed
And those are valid fears. But you can date online successfully, especially post-Covid. So don’t hesitate to say, “Hey Google, find me a boyfriend”.
10. You’re not in a relationship because of your emotional baggage
This could be anything that you have experienced in the past which is affecting your life in the present. This could be due to a traumatic childhood or repressed emotional needs. Review the relationships you’ve had in past and think:
You keep worrying that the relationship will fail and begin to mentally prepare yourself for that eventuality
You struggle with trust issues and are scared of showing your emotions
Or you get extremely dependent on your partner
You’ll notice that you never have a problem finding men, but none of those men seem to stick around, even if the relationship is amazing. Emotional baggage can create issues in a relationship when you begin to doubt the integrity of the relationship before you can commit to it.
11. You are still wounded from a previous relationship
Do rebounds make you miss your ex more? Getting involved with someone before you’ve recovered from the emotional aftermath of the earlier relationship can make you miss your ex more. This can prove disastrous to your new relationship.
You often compare the men you meet with your ex
You post on social media about the new man to irritate your ex
You keep wanting a boyfriend to avoid feeling lonely instead of having genuine affection for the new man
There have been cases where a rebound relationship has worked for some people, but research indicates that 90% of rebound relationships fail within the first three months. It’s better to wait and make sense of your feelings before you go looking for love again.
12. You’re intimidating
You probably don’t realize it, but you may have internalized the strong female character trope. It is not uncommon to see female characters in pop culture with traditionally ‘male’ traits in an effort to portray them as strong. There’s nothing wrong in expressing your masculine side since gender is fluid. However, your no-nonsense and ambitious attitude may scare some men away. Research shows that men tend to rate assertive women as less attractive than compassionate women. Obviously, filter out such men, but try to assess if your assertiveness has turned into a deliberately intimidating persona.
Do you practice sitting or talking in a certain way that you think will earn you respect or, worse, fear?
Do people avoid speaking in your presence?
Do you have the same body language at the workplace and on a date?
It is ironic that women often have to show themselves as non-feminine to be taken seriously at work and have to shed that persona to appear approachable. But matters of the heart can’t be expected to work the same way a team meeting does.
13. Why can’t I get a boyfriend? Because “I’m the problem, it’s me”
Taylor Swift summed up the problem of low self-esteem in women in the entire world with her song. When you have low self-esteem, you give any guy that comes your way your full attention, but ignore yourself completely. It’s easy to blame yourself for everything that goes wrong. Either you’re too hard on yourself and decide not to give the relationship another go. Or you get into a dysfunctional relationship as that is what feels normal to you.
You keep thinking you’ve embarrassed yourself on the first date and are unlikely to go on the second one, even if the man appears interested
You feel uncomfortable if the man suggests boundaries
You keep getting into relationships with toxic men
It’s normal to have doubts about your desirability, but self-doubt can handicap your mental image of yourself. Even if you were to find someone amazing, you’ll find yourself getting excruciatingly dependent on him. This can make the whole relationship imbalanced.
14. You are self-obsessed
A relationship is a two-way street and can’t function if an effort is not made from both sides. If you don’t put the effort into maintaining your relationship, then it’s likely to be a short one. You may not realize it, but you could be the high-maintenance partner men run from. In such a case, the man is likely to look for someone else who can fulfill his emotional needs.
Any conversation with you is mostly about you
Your guy is likely to know more about you than you know about him
You exhibit the signs of a controlling woman and monopolize any decisions made in the relationship
Self-obsession could be a form of narcissism which is a strategy to protect oneself when one does not feel adequately loved. To be in a healthy relationship, you need to start thinking about your relationship as an entity rather than a competition about who is better.
15. You get creepy/needy
Another way you can go wrong is that you get too needy. You start to stalk him, demand his constant attention, and get upset if he insists on boundaries. You start imagining that he’s playing games with you, and give hostile looks to every attractive person you see him with. You turn into a creepy/needy partner. Because you define love as control.
You always want to know what he’s doing, where he’s going, and who’s he with
You think it’s normal for you to check his phone
You hate it if he wants to spend some alone time or plans any trips with his friends
Such a controlling relationship can be stifling for anyone. Additionally, you’re setting a bad precedent in the relationship as he could demand the same thing from you.
16. Does everyone find love eventually? Not when it comes to unrequited love
Another reason you keep wanting a boyfriend but can’t find one is that you’re in love with someone who doesn’t love you back. You hope to get a boyfriend so you would fall out of love with this person, but this is not how it works. You need to sort your feelings for someone else before you start afresh with another person.
You always have thoughts about the guy you love even when you’re with someone else
You will prioritize this man over your relationship, even though you know it isn’t healthy
Any new man you’re dating works as a replacement for the guy you love
This can be extremely confusing and unfair to anyone who genuinely likes you. It can be difficult to lose feelings for someone you love and let go. Try staying away from him and focusing on other things in your life so you can healthily move on to another relationship.
17. You don’t ask for help
Have you considered asking friends for help? You may think it is unromantic for family or friends to set you up with someone as if you can’t land a decent date on your own. This may feel additionally bad if you have a dysfunctional relationship with your family. You’re likely to say no to any person they set you up with, even if you like them.
You consider it humiliating if your mother sets you up with the son of a woman she met at the church
You don’t trust your friends to find you a good person, especially if you think they don’t know you
You feel inadequate if you have to ask around for a date
Not asking for help could be a sign of insecurity. But your friends and family often know you more than you realize. They are also aware of your relationship history and know what doesn’t work for you.
18. You are bad at flirting
Mike highlights this in The Ugly Truth when he observes that Abby is pretty and smart but no boyfriend comes her way. When he says that she needs to learn to flirt, she is confused at first. Flirting is more difficult than you think, especially if you’re not very good at quick thinking or get nervous easily.
You’re more comfortable talking by text than on phone or in person
You never realize when someone is flirting with you
Maybe you don’t know how to give physical compliments in general
Healthy flirting can be a great icebreaker when you meet someone new. It can seem daunting to talk to someone with sexual undertones but relax a little. You’ll find the right note if you give it enough time and practice.
19. You don’t have a boyfriend because you are rushing things
I was single for most of my early twenties. I mostly had flings and didn’t have the inclination to get into a serious relationship. However, as soon as I turned thirty, it began to feel like everyone around me was either getting married or pregnant. And so I was meeting guys left, right, and center, crying, “Why can’t I get a boyfriend?”. Now I realize how scary I must have seemed to those guys, with my way-too-soon questions about their families, income, and debts.
You are constantly assessing your dates instead of enjoying your time with them
You give yourself a deadline by when you should be engaged
You think marriage will fix all your woes
After a certain age, it can begin to feel that time is ticking away. You get a lot of pressure for getting married or having kids from your family. This can make you anxious and make you look at every relationship from a matrimonial POV. This can make any man run for the mountains.
20. You aren’t giving them enough time
People often go date-hopping when they’re not keen on a committed relationship or want to get an idea of the spread before they choose the best option. But when you’re looking for love, one date is not enough to get to know a person. Especially if you’re going on multiple dates on the same day. Some people may swear by it but research indicates that most guys take almost 3 months to confess their love.
Are you seeing multiple men on the same day or week as a way to improve productivity while looking for relationships?
Have you prepared a questionnaire for these men and ticked them off if they answer ‘negatively’ to a question?
Are you getting confused between two or more of these men?
It’s draining and counterproductive to date multiple men and filter them out like an assembly line. Additionally, you’re not giving yourself enough time to forge an emotional connection with anyone to fall in love.
21. You’re problematic
Your friends won’t tell you, but the reason you struggle to find a boyfriend could be that you’re ‘that’ girl. You’re that girl who talks about financial independence but expects her boyfriend to pay her bills. Or she likes to be spoiled but makes no effort from her side to do the same for her boyfriend. Or she starts as the caring girlfriend who sends him cute texts in the beginning but turns toxic once you go exclusive.
Your idea of an ideal man is who exhibits the traditional role of a ‘provider’, i.e. he pays the bills, prioritizes others over himself, doesn’t rest till it’s late in the night
You expect him to pay all your bills while you don’t contribute your share
You constantly compare him to others, or worse, to your father
You need to recognize the signs that you are the problem in your relationship. And if you are, you need to work on your self-awareness and try to resolve the underlying issues responsible for this behavior.
What can you do if you don’t have a boyfriend but want one?
The thing about love is you never know if you want it because you actually want it, or because you feel like you ‘should’ want it. Ask yourself “Why do I want a boyfriend?” before you start looking for one. If you’re looking for a boyfriend for social reasons or because you think it’s time you had one, then you may not be on the right track. Once you know what you want and why you want it, it’s only then you can move toward it. So how can you find a boyfriend when you want one?
1. Love yourself
You may be rolling your eyes at this one. Not everything can be resolved by loving oneself. And what is self-love anyway? How does one love themself? By loving yourself the way you would love someone else.
Be kind and considerate toward yourself
Create healthy emotional boundaries in relationships
Prioritize your mental health
Learn to say no
Stop looking for approval from others
When you prioritize your mental health and have positive self-esteem, you enable yourself to get into a relationship that is loving and rewarding in the long term.
2. Focus on developing the relationship
If you like someone, you need more than a meeting over coffee to know he’s the one. With a few men, you will know instantly, but with others, you may need some time before deciding ‘the one’ among them.
Give a guy enough time to see if you can envision a future with him
Focus on developing the relationship, try to get to know him
Set up realistic stages or timelines. For example, if you feel that you’re not going from kissing to something sexual till a certain date, then maybe talk to him and try to know what he thinks of the relationship
3. Hey Google, find me a boyfriend – online dating
If you have tried bars and can’t find a boyfriend among the frat boys you find there, then try online dating. You may not believe it but according to Pew Research Centre, online dating is as successful as in-person dating. Research suggests that online dating has displaced many traditional ways of meeting new people.
Additionally, it can help you meet people with similar interests without having to go through others who may not have the same values/beliefs. Dating apps like Bumble and Mashable cater to people who are looking for commitment, so when you find the right match, you can just focus on your date and not wonder about the essentials.
4. Know what you can’t stand
We often think about the qualities we want in a partner. But it may be easier to figure out if you know what you can’t agree on. If you’re done with toxic men in your life, then run away at the first red flag. Don’t wait to look for a silver lining.
Look for red flags about things you don’t want to compromise on
Talk to him about it, how it makes you uncomfortable, and if he’s willing to work on it
If you think he won’t change, move on
5. Be patient
It’s said, “The heart wants what it wants.” Well, the heart also takes time to decide, and it takes as much time as it wants. You can’t rush yourself into feeling affection for a man. I often wondered, “What is it like to have a boyfriend who wants to get married the same time as I do?” Because no man wanted to move so fast in our relationship. It scared them to no end.
If you feel that it might be getting late for you, stop and think about why you think so. Is it what everyone else has been telling you? Winding up with the wrong guy just because you think time is running out won’t help. At best, it could make you regret the relationship. At worst, it could leave you traumatized.
Key Pointers
Many of the reasons you can’t find a boyfriend could be rooted in your lack of self-esteem
Do not think of finding a boyfriend as a task, otherwise, it won’t feel romantic and will feel like a chore you hate
Focus on developing the relationship while keeping an eye out for red flags
Be patient. This may take more time than you anticipate
Humans were never made to be solitary creatures. It is normal to feel the need for someone to cuddle when you go to bed. But relationships are complex and one wrong step is all it takes for a lifetime of regret. To every person who says “Why can’t I get a boyfriend?”, I say, take your time, explore your options, and most of all, enjoy these experiences. If you still feel you can’t cope, ask for help from friends and family. We at Bonobology have an extensive panel of experts to help you when you need it. Love will come your way when you’re ready for it, not when you think it should come.
FAQs
1. Why is it so difficult to get a boyfriend?
It’s not difficult to get a boyfriend, but you will have to work to find a healthy relationship. Commitment is a big deal for a lot of people. Everyone may have their own set of apprehensions about it. So it may take some time before you find the right person who has the same beliefs as you do.
2. Is it weird not to have a boyfriend?
It is not weird to have a boyfriend. If you’re thinking, “Should I get a boyfriend?” just to appease society, then don’t get into a relationship. A committed relationship status doesn’t validate your existence or give you an advantage over other people. More women are choosing to stay single and focus on their careers nowadays, according to the Pew Research Center. You certainly aren’t alone if you’re single.
3. Will I ever find a boyfriend?
Yes, you will. Stop thinking, “Is there something wrong with me because I don’t have a boyfriend?” Because there isn’t. If you keep looking in the right places, focus on working on yourself, and pay attention to your date’s red flags, you will meet the right person and have a healthy relationship with him.
Pastor Antoine Hlomador, a licensed counselor with the Ghana Psychology Council (GPC), has warned people not to attempt to repair a relationship that could endanger their lives.
In an interview on Prime Morning on Thursday, the pastor Hlomador indicated that ideally, no broken relationship should be left unfixed, unless it is one that can cause the victim to lose his or her life.
“As a pastor, I would say none. As a professional, I would say one that is likely to cost you your life, you should not try to fix it,” he said.
Pastor Hlomodor explained that since life is most important, it is imperative to protect one’s life no matter what, because without life, nothing can be achieved.
“Without your life, you cannot impact this world. And so, the most important thing is to protect your life, be preserved so that maybe in the future when circumstances have changed, you could re-establish that relationship,” the pastor elaborated.
Counselor Hlomador further emphasised the importance of two people knowing each other very well, beyond their physical appearance before they get married.
He advises couples to study each other’s temperament as well, so as to know how to cope better with each other in their marriage.
“If you team up with someone just because of the person’s looks, it’s a big mistake. You have to look deeper. It has to be a spiritual connection… meaning that you understand the person’s temperament and you agree with the person’s temperament, then it’s 50% of the chance that you will be successful,” the counselor specified.
Pastor Antoine Hlomador encourages individuals to seek the services of counselors in the community around them to enable them to solve problems in the most prudent ways.
It is not easy to find a relationship where you are happy 100% of the time, if that even exists.
Relationships come with their share of compromises, negotiations, arguments, and frustrations. However, when the sense of comfort and ease is stronger than the other emotions, you know that you have finally found the relationship you deserve.
Here are the life moments that prove that you’re finally in a relationship you deserve.
1. Things that matter to you will matter to them
You don’t have to have the same hobbies and interests, but when you are in a relationship you deserve, things that matter to you will matter to your partner. If it is important to you to get away occasionally and they are a homebody, they will make it happen.
2. You feel heard
It doesn’t have to be a huge life event, but if you have a good memory associated with food or a place, they will listen and remember the details of little essential things in your life. They remember things that are crucial, happy, or stressful in your life.
3. You can openly talk about issues
All relationships have challenges and fights, but it is essential to talk about things that bother you or make you uncomfortable. You aren’t afraid of talking about them out of fear that you will upset your partner.
4. You don’t need plans to have fun
There are many dates and trips when you first start dating, but once you are more comfortable in a relationship, they are part of your life, but you are satisfied just hanging out at home doing nothing. You can hang out with each other while you are doing your own thing. You enjoy just hanging out in each other’s company.
5. They keep their word
It can be an invitation or a promise to fix something, but they keep their word. The promise of a life together with security is amazing, but someone who keeps their word on what they say they will do will add up in the long run.
6. You are mindful of each other’s boundaries
It is essential to know, acknowledge, and respect each other’s boundaries from the beginning. You should be able to say no without feeling guilty and make an effort to get out of your comfort zone instead of being stubborn. Respecting each other’s boundaries is one of the best ways to tell if they are a keeper.
7. Your priorities are important to both of you
It is not important to have the same interests and hobbies, but if one of you loves video games, you must be okay with that, and if you have spiritual beliefs, they don’t have to agree, but they cannot disregard its importance in your life. If you can understand and accept each other, you know you are in a relationship you deserve.
8. They do not make fun of you in public
It is natural to have some inside jokes, but some jokes do not need to be shared with others in public, even if it is done lightly. Mainly when you express your vulnerability and weaknesses to your partner, the relationship you deserve will never use them against you for a good laugh.
9. They don’t make excuses or blame you
When you are close to someone, it is easy to take your frustrations out on them. If you are in a relationship you deserve, they stop making lame excuses and do not blame you for things not going well in their life.
10. They make you a priority
It takes time and practice to make someone an equal and important part of your life. When you are in a relationship you deserve, you become each other’s priorities. When someone is essential in your life, you must know they are your priority by your actions and not just words.
It’s typical to receive conflicting advise from all sides following a breakup: Have a rebound fling!
Spend a week in hibernation while donning sweatpants, chowing down on ice cream, and sobbing over terrible romantic films!
Spend money you don’t have on shopping!
You merit it.
Considering the whirlwind of emotions you feel when a relationship ends, any of these behaviors are okay. But what comes after that? And are you even ready for it?
It can be difficult to know the signs you’re in love with him or if you even have a chance of getting over that ex. After sharing a significant chunk of your life with someone, it makes sense that they’d remain perpetually in your thoughts, at least in some capacity.
So how do you know if you’ve really put your past to rest, or if you’re still mired in your last relationship?
Here are 10 signs you’re definitely not over your ex:
1. Everything reminds you of him
You break into sobs every time you hear “your song.” Your weekly date with Dr. House is just not the same without him. Not only that, but you have a running list of things you need to tell him when you see him, based on everything exciting, hilarious, and/or tragic that has occurred since you split.
Because who else would you share these things with? Well, your best friend, for starters. Your mom. Your shrink. Or — gasp! — a new man. Try to forget the lists, stop putting energy in the past, and instead bond with the people who are actually in your life.
2. You’re lashing out in public forums
You trash-talk him on Twitter and Facebook. At last night’s open mic night, he appeared in your confessional poetry. And, honey, it would be better for all involved if you kept that song you wrote earlier today a secret.
While it’s healthy to let out your feelings, if it’s been several months and he’s still inspiring your inner artist, you’re letting history take precedence over the right now.
3. You’re overcompensating
You dress up in the hopes you’ll run into him, and when you do see him, you make your life seem really, really awesome. Because, obviously, you’re better off without him and — dude! — he’s gotta see what he’s missing! And you’ve got to realize what you’re missing in making him the center of your life.
4. You have no interest in that hot dude giving you the eye
You have men throwing themselves at you left and right, eager to love the pain away. But all those guys hitting on you at parties and bars? They seem pretty repulsive right now.
When your ex calls, however, you pick up right away. (What? It could be important!) Try chatting up a new guy. You never know what could happen…
5. You compare everyone to him
Even if you think you’re ready to start dating again, every time you meet a new guy, you make a list of all the ways he doesn’t measure up to your ex. Once you’re really over him, you’ll measure men on their own merits.
6. You still cyberstalk him… in addition to all of his friends and relatives
The other day, while innocently wandering about Facebook, you noticed that a cute girl had left a flirtatious message on your ex’s wall. So you attempted to hack into her Facebook account and scoured the Facebook pages of your ex’s mom, sister, and grandmother for even the subtlest mention of either you or a new romance.
We want you to know: This is unhealthy. And possibly illegal.
7. You are unable to let go of your relationship mementos
And by mementos, we don’t just mean the gifts he gave you during the course of your relationship, like that Swarovski necklace or that cute winter hat. Because we wouldn’t get rid of those, either.
Rather, we’re referring to the more random stuff, such as those matches from the restaurant where you had your first date or the movie tickets from every single film you’ve ever been to together. Trashing them will be freeing — try it!
8. Seeing him still makes you go weak in the knees
Literally. You get the shakes. And you’re sort of afraid you might projectile vomit. Which would be embarrassing. Sound familiar? If your reaction is this visceral, we’re going to hazard a guess and say you’re still not over him.
9. You harbor the (not-so-)secret fantasy that the two of you still have a future together
And this misguided belief is keeping you from living life, or at least giving anyone new a chance. While no one can really know what the future holds, it’s best to remember that breakups happen for a reason. And often, that reason was a darn good one.
If you’re holding back on your future, it’s likely that you’re still stuck in the past.
10. You’re still intimate
Sleeping with an ex isn’t always a terrible idea, but it usually is. If you’ve recently broken up, you can’t be intimate and expect that you won’t remain emotionally involved. We know, we know. No one else has ever been able to do that to you. But still.
Medical doctor and relationship coach, Dr. Isaac Newman Arthur, has disclosed men are more active in relationshipthan women.
Speaking with Nana Yaw Odame on e.tv Ghana’s Men’s Lounge show, he said, “we are more activity driven where as women are more relationship driven. A man may just be in a relationship with someone just because of an activity and that activity is the focus, and any other thing is okay.”
He furthered men are totally different adding that it creates complications when women find it difficult to understand them. “That is where it sometimes creates that difficulty between a man and woman kind of relationships.”
The medical doctor mentioned that one aspect of relationships which invites problems in a relationship is when a woman is expected to behave like a man and a man expected to behave like a woman. Therefore “if you are having a relationship with a woman, a man must be expected to be a man and a woman must be expected to be a woman, and we are expected to express ourselves.”
He highlighted that men and women are different in terms of response to things hence when people believe a man and a women must behave in a particular manner is absurd.
The ever-expanding, reliably readable world of Are Reportedly DatingNow articles bagged another hit this week.
Indeed, as this article’s headline and carefully spliced images have already made clear, Jack Harlow and Dua Lipa are indeed (reportedly!) involved in a dating capacity now. That’s the word from the tabloid titillators over at Page Six, who reported on Monday night that Lipa, in their words, became “quite smitten” with Harlow after meeting him at a Variety event in Los Angeles last month.
Following that meeting, the report further alleges, Lipa and Harlow have been engaged in what sources claim is “constant communication.” More recently, Harlow is said to have taken a trip to NYC to see Lipa after her Z100 Jingle Ball commitments this month, followed the next day by the publication’s self-described “spies” having seen Harlow and Lipa doing the whole let’s-arrive-separately thing at a restaurant in the city.
For good measure, Complex has reached out to reps for Jack Harlow and Dua Lipa for comment on all of this, though it’s unlikely anything will come of that.
As fans will note, Harlow’s latest album—this year’s Come Home the Kids Miss You—features a track by the name of “Dua Lipa.” Speaking with The Breakfast Club back in May, Harlow revealed he had actually played the track for Lipa prior to its release.
“I wanted to get her blessing so I FaceTimed her and played it for her because I didn’t want her to be blindsided by that or feel creeped out or anything,” he said at the time.
Instagram influencer and model, Ivy Ifeoma, the new lover of Nigerian singer, PaulOkoye, has slammed those criticizing her relationship with the singer.
The father of three via his Instagram story on Sunday, December 11, 2022, shared several clips of himself and his new lover in church for thanksgiving.
He captioned the video with an appreciation post to God. The couple also enjoyed a sumptuous meal together thereafter.
This earned them several criticisms online, especially as rumours made the rounds that Paul was cheating on his wife, Anita before their marriage crashed.
Responding to trolls, Ivy took to her Instagram page to share a video of herself, gesticulating about how people are talking about their relationship.
She further described the trolls as bitter souls who are hovering around the earth but she would ignore them.
She wrote: “Bitter souls hovering around earth but its between you and your God”.
A man accused of meeting women on datingapps and victimizing them has been arrested and charged in connection with the alleged kidnapping of a 79-year-old woman in Wisconsin.
As NBC News reported on Tuesday, 52-year-old Timothy Luther Olson Jr. was arrested on Nov. 29 and is alleged to have initially approached the woman at a bar using an alias. After she declined a drink, Olson is alleged to have entered the woman’s vehicle, at which point he told her he had a gun.
Among other things, police in Franklin said, Olson is accused of driving the woman to “at least” one ATM and taking her credit card. The woman was ultimately able to get assistance after flagging down a stranger in a strip mall parking lot. Days later, Olson was located by police and arrested.
Publicly available court records show that Olson is facing multiple counts including kidnapping, misappropriating ID information to obtain money, resisting or obstructing an officer, and burglary. A preliminary hearing is listed as being scheduled for later this month.
Previously, another police department in Wisconsin issued multiple warning messages about Olson, notably describing him as an individual who “meets women on dating apps and victimizes them, resulting in financial loss.” According to the Racine Police Department, three different women have “ended up unconscious” while with Olson.
A report from regional outlet WTMJ-TV gets more specific, revealing that Olson is linked to two local death investigations, including that of Kim Mikulane.
The 55-year-old woman was spotted at a bar with Olson prior to losing consciousness and later died.
That appears to be the case, at least according to many fans, following a one-word tweetshared on Tuesday night. In the tweet, JT said, simply, “SINGLE!” and notably provided no additional context. At the time of this writing, Uzi had not publicly addressed the tweet.
Complex reached out to reps for Uzi and JT, respectively, for comment on this presumed development. In a response, Uzi’s rep said they had no comment.
Image via JT on Twitter
As recently as Monday, JT was retweeting praise for Uzi’s “Just Wanna Rock” video. Also on Monday, she told fans she may be in Philadelphia for the Thanksgiving holiday. Philly, of course, is Uzi’s hometown.
In February of last year, Uzi appeared to confirm their then-rumored relationship with the City Girls member, telling fans they love her “and y’all will too.” In the months since, there have been signs of temporary pauses in the relationship, including an instance this April in which Uzi said JT had broken up with them due to “dumb ass shit.”
Earlier this month, JT linked up with Nicki Minaj for an i-D chat featuring word that the latter’s fifth studio album was indeed slated to be released “soon.” In September, JT was among the artists enlisted by Minaj for the official Queen Mix of her “Super Freaky Girl” single.
Uzi, meanwhile, recently made an appearance at the 2022 edition of ComplexCon in Long Beach. For a full breakdown of some of the most memorable moments from this year’s festivities, hit this link.
Grace Migliaccio decided at the last minute not to get on the plane.
It was summer 1984. Grace, a recent college graduate in her early 20s, had put all her savings towards a long distance flight from her home in Washington DC to visit her Australian boyfriend, John Hiron.
The couple met at a party earlier that year, a few days before John was supposed to be leaving town. The early days of their relationship were a whirlwind — after falling for Grace, John extended his trip for as long as possible.
They were, as Grace puts it, “super head-over-heels madly in love.” But eventually John’s visa ran out, and he had to go home. After that, Grace and John’s relationship was confined to letters. Their snail mail took weeks to travel overseas, and the physical distance between them created an emotional distance that was hard to bridge.
As her departure date approached, Grace started to worry.
“I had a dream that I was making a huge mistake,” Grace tells CNN Travel today. “I just had a really bad gut feeling I shouldn’t go.”
It didn’t help that Grace, “was not an adventure taker,” as she puts it. Looking for reassurance, Grace spontaneously called John. The couple rarely spoke on the phone due to the hefty long-distance charges, but she was feeling increasingly desperate.
“I needed him to say, ‘You’re doing the right thing,’” she recalls. “But he wasn’t home.”
Grace and John, pictured here in 1984, struggled to navigate a long-distance relationship.
Instead, John’s mother answered and said she’d pass on the message. It was over 36 hours before John phoned Grace back. In the interim, Grace’s anxiety only increased.
“Should I come?” Grace asked, when John eventually returned the call.
“If you want to,” was John’s response.
For Grace, this apparent nonchalance sealed the deal.
“I didn’t get on the plane,” she says. “And so he went to the airport to get me, to pick me up, and I didn’t get off — I wasn’t on the plane.”
“I said the wrong thing, without a doubt,” says John, who blames his immaturity. He wanted her to come, he says now, he just didn’t know how to express it and the long distance was tough.
When Grace didn’t turn up, John and his friends went straight from the airport to the pub. Over beers, his friends told John he’d meet someone else and move on. But John knew he’d lost something not easily replaced.
A few days later, he called Grace to ask her what went wrong. Over the grainy connection, Grace and John both struggled to articulate how they felt. Achieving a sense of closure felt impossible.
“I know we’re going to date other people, but we shouldn’t marry anyone else,” said Grace eventually, sensing the call — and their relationship — was coming to an end.
“Why?” asked John, thousands of miles away in his parent’s house in Perth.
“Because we’re never going to love someone the way we love each other,” said Grace.
Different directions
Grace and John, pictured here in 1984, went their seperate ways after she decided not to get on the plane to be with him.
For months afterward, Grace says she felt “devastated.” But she tried not to imagine what life would be like if she’d boarded her flight. Instead, she “set about trying to move forward.”
“I bought a car with the money that I was going to go to Australia with, so that I couldn’t be tempted to change my mind later,” she says.
Months turned into years and John and Grace remained on the periphery of each other’s lives.
“I would call periodically,” says John. “One year I called, and she got married. And then I called again and her parents had died.”
Sometimes, John would phone and wouldn’t get through — Grace would have moved, and he’d struggle to track her down. There was no social media or email to aid this quest, and one time John phoned an international directory in the US to find Grace.
For Grace, these intermittent calls were bittersweet.
“I would swear, ‘l am not going to talk to him anymore. What is the point?’ along the way. Because it would stir up emotions,” she says.
“But every time he would call, I would take the call, of course. But I would swear this is the last time we’re going to talk.”
Grace kept all of John’s letters.
The decades rolled on. Grace and John dated and then married other people, and later had children.
“Twenty-two years later, I’d long moved on from this relationship,” says Grace.
Even so, she’d kept all of John’s letters.
“I always had them wherever I went, whoever I was with, however many times I moved, the things that he gave me came along with me.”
Then, one day in January 2007, John called Grace out of the blue. The two hadn’t been in touch for some time. In the interim, they’d both been going through trying times — by coincidence, Grace had recently separated from her husband and John and his wife had also recently split.
“I said, ‘We’ve broken up and I’m not married anymore.’ And Grace said the same thing,” recalls John.
“That was really surprising that we were both separated,” says Grace.
The two talked for a short while, sharing how they were both feeling about their marriage breakdowns.
John mentioned a device called a webcam was becoming more commonplace — maybe they could video call sometime?
“I went to the local Staples, and I bought an external webcam, and I plugged it in and had to figure out how to use it,” says Grace. “And we saw each other for the first time in 22 years.”
The image was slightly pixelated, Grace took a moment to adjust to John’s gray hair — but despite the years, they both recognized one another right away.
“It’s funny how your mind tricks your eye, and you see the person from age 22, you don’t see the person who’s 45, in your mind, you see the young person,” says Grace. “And so from the minute we actually saw each other, it was super emotional — this almost visceral reaction.”
It was also a bit awkward.
“We didn’t really have a lot to talk about at first because what is there to talk about?” says Grace. “Just — ‘how are you doing with the divorce? How are the kids? How are you handling it?’ And helping each other through that, and kind of catching up on our lives and where we were and what was going on.”
Still, they arranged to speak again and over the next few months, they connected frequently by video call. Grace and John felt drawn to one another and their calls became a bright spot in both their lives.
“I’d get home from work, and we’d sit down and I’d be watching TV and the webcam was on and we’d talk for the night,” says John.
After a while, John suggested he could come to the US and they could reunite in person.
Grace was hesitant — was this a terrible idea? She raised the question with her marriage counselor, who suggested seeing John could bring about some much needed closure.
“She said, ‘This will be good for you to see each other, and you’ll never see each other again. So it’s kind of a very safe thing to do. You’re not going to get into something complicated, because how could you? You’re so far away.’ That was her advice. And that backfired…”
Reunited in the US
Here’s Grace and John in 2008, when they were reunited in the US.Grace picked John up from Newark Airport in March 2008. Waiting in a taxi with a bottle of champagne and chocolate covered strawberries, she found herself thinking about the day, all those years ago, that she didn’t get on the airplane.
When she saw John again, Grace says “it was like getting back a missing piece of myself that I hadn’t realized was lost for so long.”
“It was amazing. Very emotional,” says John of their reunion. “It was just about like no time had passed, it was all very familiar and comfortable.”
Before John’s arrival, Grace was worried there would be awkward silences. She’d prepared conversation topics, but these prompts turned out to be unnecessary. After just a few days together, the decades did seem to melt away. Grace and John started to discuss maybe meeting again in a year’s time.
But as they spent more time together, the two realized they were more than just old friends. The connection they’d felt in 1984 was still there, and waiting a year to reunite felt impossible.
“We were like, ‘Well, what are we going to do? Because now we can’t ever be apart again. We made a mistake — maybe we were young, maybe it was the right mistake and things worked out the way they were supposed to. But we can’t just go back to now being apart again,’” says Grace.
One evening, they reread the letters Grace had kept for all those years.
“It literally made us cry, to see the depth of emotion then, and that we could have let it slip away,” says Grace.
Then they found themselves recalling the phone conversation they’d had in 1984, right after Grace didn’t get on the plane.
“I said, ‘Wow, 22 years ago, I said we shouldn’t marry someone else.’ And he finished the sentence ‘….because we’ll never love somebody the way we love each other,’” says Grace,
“He remembered that — and that was like a stab in the heart of, ‘Okay, now, what are we going to do?’ This is going to be difficult and complicated.”
Grace and John lived on opposite sides of the globe. They were both going through divorces. They both had children they loved, and they wanted to be part of their lives. Following their hearts was complicated.
Still, several months later, Grace visited John in Australia, and less than a year after that, John moved to the US and the couple eloped.
“I was very emotional because we waited a lifetime, really, to say those words,” says Grace of their wedding day.
The couple eloped, and 10 years later celebrated their wedding anniversary in Hawaii, pictured.
Falling in love again, 23 years later, was as bittersweet and complicated, as much as it was “euphoric.”
Some loved ones were hurt by their reunion. Some friends thought they were both going through midlife crises. For John, moving across the world from his children was particularly tough.
“It was extremely hard, extremely emotional,” he says.
“It was a couple of years of really difficult times with that move,” says Grace.
But as the dust settled, John and Grace were able to spend significant time in Australia, as well as in the US.
They became a cross-continental blended family, bringing their children together whenever they could. Some of John’s children have since studied and worked in the US.
“What’s amazing is all the five kids get on pretty well together,” says John. “We can take them on a vacation and everyone gets on well, we have a good time.”
“We like to think that in the end, when you get past the pain, we made all of our kids’ lives so much bigger, and set a great example for love,” says Grace.
Making up for lost time
Grace and John say they are trying to make the most of every day together, and travel a lot — including to the Taj Mahal in India, pictured here.
Today, 15 years since their reunion, John and Grace still live together in the US, where they’re “making up for lost time.”
“It almost feels like we’d never been apart,” says John.
They try to enjoy, as Grace puts it, “a lot of traveling and adventures and experiences to create a lifetime of memories in a shorter, compressed period of time.”
Loved ones who were originally naysayers have come round in the interim. And as for Grace and John, they’ve both come to believe things happened the way they should have.
“It’s worked out the way it was meant to work out,” says John, who says the decision to be together wasn’t easy, but it’s always been worth it.
“If we tried to carry on from 1984, we probably wouldn’t have been mature enough to get through that period to get to where we are now,” says Grace. “So I feel sad, but I know that I have the best of it now. So it can’t really be sad, because it all worked out the way it was supposed to — despite all of our mistakes that we made, including me not getting on the plane.”
When my marriage came to an end, I decided I’d never get married again. Honestly, I had never really believed in marriage in the first place but when I found myself in love and not thinking straight (a common side effect of love), I also found myself engaged.
But even before my future husband and I officially tied the knot, I told myself that if it didn’t work out, this marriage would be the one and only time.
In my mind, you get one shot at such a thing. While I don’t judge those who have multiple marriages under their belt, I wonder how they reconcile by doing it over and over again. At some point, one has to admit that maybe they’re bad at marriage and, because of that, maybe they should refrain from doing it.
Fall in love, live with someone, and have a commitment ceremony if you want. But marriage three or four times? Come on.
When I decided I’d never marry again, it was more than a decision; it was a promise to myself. I moved my engagement ring, a single pearl in a white gold setting from an antique shop in Paris, to my middle finger on my left hand. Then I threw my wedding band into the Mediterranean Sea.
I swam out as far as I could that day, until I felt nervous because I was so far from shore, looked at the quote on the inside of the ring that read: “I forget the rest,” and threw it. My estranged husband’s ring read, “We were together.”
“We were together. I forget the rest.” —Walt Whitman
But I wanted to make sure that I stuck to this promise I made. I wanted something permanent, a reminder of what a debacle my marriage was, in case I were to ever forget, as well as a daily visual to make sure that no matter how hard I fell in love the next time around, I’d never slip a ring on that finger again.
So I got a tattoo.
“There should be a place where only the things you want to happen, happen.” ―Maurice Sendak, Where the Wild Things Are
Growing up, one of my favorite books was Where the Wild Things Are. As someone who even to this day spends an obscene amount of time in my head fantasizing about other places, none of which are of this world, it was a story with which I always identified. I still identify with it and its character, Max, some 30-something years later after the first time it was read to me.
You see, Max is a wild thing. I, too, am a wild thing. So I did what any wild thing would do: I tattooed Max’s crown on the inside of my ring finger.
Photo: Author
Not only would it forever remind me of my freedom, my wildness, and the marriage I escaped to have these things, but it would also remind me of Max and what I first felt when my mother read the story to me so long ago.
It was not strange to want to sail away. I was not wrong to want to be someone else, go someplace else, and feel something else from time to time. Being wild takes a level of courage that not everyone has.
“And Max, the king of all wild things, was lonely and wanted to be where someone loved him best of all.” ―Maurice Sendak, Where the Wild Things Are.
I realize some will scoff at such a thing. Some will point out that a tattoo doesn’t prevent a ring from being slipped on a finger, a wedding band or otherwise, and physically, that’s true. But for me, it does. For me, its meaning transcends past physical capability.
Photo: Author
Once upon a time, I committed myself to a person whom I loved very much and he betrayed me. Now, my only commitment is to myself. I’m the queen of this story, the writer of these chapters, and now, like any proper heroine, I have my own crown to remind me of this always.
A happy relationship and happy marriage usually seem impossible until both individuals decide to make it work.
Happy couples mostly are best friends, each other’s confidantes, and everyday go-to person. They are intentional about their commitment to one another.
They have unconditional love for each other and part of their world is shared only between them.
Happy couples understand that whatever may come at them, being together makes them stronger.
Here are some common traits of happy couples you might want to normalise to be a happy couple to enjoy your relationship too;
1. They are happy individuals – According to Proverbs 17:22, “a happy heart is a good medicine and a joyful mind causes healing, but a broken heart dries up the bones”. One can only make their partner happy when they have joy and are at peace with themselves. Therefore, to be able to have a happy marriage or relationship, you need to be a happy person to share your joy and happy moments with your partner.
2. They respect each other’s boundaries and decisions – A healthy relationship starts with mutual respect, and that includes respecting each other’s emotional and physical boundaries. This doesn’t mean keeping information away from your partner or preventing them from knowing what goes on in your life.
3. They communicate – This allows you to explain to your partner what you are experiencing and what your needs are. Effective communication helps connects couples and gives them peace in the relationship. Bear in mind that your partner cannot read your mind so you need to communicate your feeling and needs.
4. They trust each other – trust your partner to be faithful, and trust them with money, and with your feelings. You’re not constantly calling and checking up on your partner if they have to stay late for work, there’s a general sense of ease and trust within the relationship. Avoid checking one another’s phones, and emails for inappropriate messages.
Trust is built and not commanded, give your partner reasons to trust and not doubt you for any reason if you want to have a happy and peaceful marriage or relationship.
5. They enjoy regular sexual intimacy – being sexually intimate regularly makes a couple emotionally connected. It’s an act that bonds a couple. The closeness created and experienced during sex helps maintains a healthy level of love, and a sense of belongingness which human beings need naturally.
Love is sweet when it’s true and with the right person. Give yourself the chance to love and be loved. Keeping multiple partners brings nothing to the table but rather takes a lot from you.
Kumawood actor and musician, Kwadwo Nkansah Liliwin has finally revealed why he dumped his first wife for his current partner.
About 5 months ago, the actor’s new marriage sparked issues around his previous relationship with his ex-wife, who is speaking up about their divorce.
The backlashes followed after photos emerged from a ceremony where Lil win married another lady identified as Maame Serwah.
Reports that followed after the pictures went viral alleged that the actor’s current wife is based in America.
Speaking in an interview with Zionfelix, Lilwin addressed the pressing accusations of wickedly dumping his first wife after making it in life.
Although the actor refused to emphatically state why he divorced his first wife but he used the analogy of a ‘road journey’ to explain why his marriage with his ex-wife, Patricia Afriyie could not last forever.
In his own words;
It’s not by force to stay in marriage till the end. Just as you impregnated two women at the same time, it’s not your wish but things happen. You can’t force it, it’s a journey. For instance, it’s not all cars that travel from Accra to Kumasi that arrive safely. Some either get burnt, collide and damaged on the way. That’s how life is. You start with someone and the person gives up at a point. You cannot force that person to continue. A lot of wealthier men have even left their wives,”
What I’m about to say may shock you. Some men only want you for sex.
WHAT?!
I know. Crazy, right?
They look at you like a juicy steak that needs to be flipped, tenderized, and flambéed. They don’t care how sweet or smart you are, or how much value you bring to the table. They want to brand you like a cow with their initials square on your ass.
OWNED
Here are some signs he only wants to bone.
He flat out said so
Fortunately, most of the time these guys will tell you flat out they’re only looking for a good time.
Or they dress it up in other variations like, “We can keep it on the down low” or “We’re just hanging out.”
Either way, take this at face value and run the other way. Don’t fool yourself into hoping for something better.
It isn’t going to happen.
He has a wife or girlfriend
This is a no-brainer, yet many women rationalize taking sloppy seconds will somehow lay the first brick on the path to true-love-forever.
They think they’re powerful and compelling enough to persuade a man to leave his situation. They couldn’t be more wrong.
Do yourself a favor and don’t be a side chick. Have more respect for yourself than that.
He doesn’t want to be seen with you in public
He doesn’t introduce you to his friends, his co-workers or his dog, and he insists it stay that way.
In fact, the only time he wants to see you is at night, with the shades drawn, underneath the black light in his bedroom.
And please, absolutely no pictures, social media adds or tags. He doesn’t want to associate anything with you but a secret 2-hour midnight fantasy.
So please be nocturnal and remain unseen.
He tries to get you drunk
You’ve mentioned your favorite restaurant and maybe even what your favorite flowers are, and he’s either laughed his ass off or ignored you altogether.
But if you’re willing to drink, he’s picking up the tab!
He’ll gleefully scoop you into his car, playing the designated driver hero dude on his way to your place.
He doesn’t care that you have a husband or boyfriend
A lot of guys don’t care if you’re married or involved. In fact, it makes them want you even more.
Why? Because he doesn’t have to invest in anything other than sex because the assumption is you have no emotional investment in him.
That’s fertile ground for no strings attached sex. At least that’s what he thinks. Don’t give him the satisfaction. In fact, don’t give him anything.
He doesn’t talk to you about anything other than sex
If every conversation you’ve had with him revolves around, hints at, or leads to landing in the sack, that’s all he wants.
Shocker. (Including the Shocker.)
He doesn’t want to get to know you or what makes you tick. He wants to know what your hooha looks like and he’s desperately trying to convince you to show it to him.
He offers to pay for it
Yikes!
He knows he doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell so he pulls out his fat wad and flashes it in your face.
Then he asks what you’d be willing to do for every bill he methodically draws from the stack and lays on the table.
If you’re into getting paid for sex, Go Team. Keep on keepin’ on. But if you’re not, tell him to get the hell out and let the door hit him in the ass.
He doesn’t respect you when you say no
He keeps pressing you, even after you’ve told him to throw himself off the nearest cliff. To him, hearing you tell him no is like hearing you say maybe, or sometime soon.
No doesn’t mean “Convince me.”
He just doesn’t get it, so enlist the help of your brother or other beefy, intimidating bro-dude friends to kick his ass. If he’s smart, he’ll take the hint.
Call the authorities if you’re genuinely in trouble.
Don’t get caught up in the douchebag’s game of sexual conquest. It’s a no-win situation. And don’t look at him like a soul who needs saving because that’s exactly how he’s drawing you in.
If you’re looking for a relationship and not just a good time, let these dudes roll on by and keep your sanity in tact. After all, you’re worth it, aren’t you?
A 23-year-old English man who has never been on a date in his life is trying to find a girlfriend by advertising himself on a large highway-side billboard near his home city.
Ed Chapman claims to have spent his teenage years and his early 20s trying to find a girlfriend using more conventional means, like socializing and using dating apps, but with no success. So the 23-year-old man from Leeds, in the UK, decided that it was time for desperate measures. He put up some serious money to rent a large advertising banner next to the M621 motorway that goes into Leeds and crossed his fingers. He has already had more success with it than he did in his entire life, as he claims to have been overwhelmed by the number of messages from potential girlfriends.
“I reached an age where I thought I at least should have been on one date before. But I’ve been single for all of my 23 years and I’m ready to find someone to hopefully be in a relationship with,” Champman said.
“I had tried some dating apps, but it didn’t go well for me at all, so I decided I needed to try something different and thought having my own billboard would be a good way of meeting people,” the 23-year-old added.
Putting up a large banner with your face on it and the simple message “Date Me!” takes some courage, especially from someone who’s never been on a date before, but in Ed’s case, the risk seems to be paying off. Apparently, he received his first message from a woman interested in dating him on the first day that the billboard went up.
“I received my first message on the same day the billboard went live and since then, I’ve had a few messages from women between the ages of 18 to 48,” Ed told Caters News. “It’s quite a mix. It’s really exciting and a sign there’s something positive to come.”
Billboards have been used by others to find love. A fellow Englishman struggling with dating apps did it last year, a mysterious Mormon millionaire made headlines with the same tactic in 2019, and a single entrepreneur advertised himself in the same way back in 2013.
You met a nice man. Took some time to get to know him. Went on several dates before falling in love with him. You thought he was equally into you as well. But now he’s acting strange and distant and you don’t know what to do. If your man acts this way, should you learn how to turn the tables when he pulls away? Is he making you chase him? Or does he have deeper problems than what meets the eye?
Should you even think about what to text when he pulls away from you? Or do you ignore him? This changed behavior is making you anxious. It was going so well. What must have happened? If you’re confused and don’t know what to do when he pulls away, then we’ll give you 8 steps ahead to get back the upper hand in the relationship. But first, let’s find out what’s up with him.
Why Do Men Pull Away?
It doesn’t matter which stage of the relationship you are in. Whether you just started dating or you’ve been together for a very long time, it’s infuriating when your boyfriend becomes distant from you. But why? You’ve done nothing to hurt him. Here are some reasons he’s withdrawing his love.
1. When he pulls away in the initial stages, it’s because he doesn’t like you enough
If you’ve been on only a couple of dates and don’t understand why he’s ignoring you, then it’s obvious he is not into you. You thought you both had fun on the date. He even said he’ll keep in touch, but he didn’t. After the first few dates, when he pulls away, do nothing. It is one of the signs he is not into you.
Maybe he didn’t find you charming or your interests didn’t align. Whatever the reason, let him withdraw. It’s his way of saying that his feelings aren’t the same as yours and he wants to see other people. Don’t waste your time by chasing him or making him chase you after he pulls away.
2. When he pulls away but comes back every time, he wants you to chase him
If you are saying, “He pulled away but still contacts me once in a while”, then he is just playing hard to get. As simple as that. He is close to you one day. The next day he forgets you exist. This is a typical push-and-pull attitude. His hot-and-cold behavior is a clear sign he wants you to chase him. Resist the temptation to fall for this tactic. You’ll need to learn how to back away from the guy even if you like him.
Here are some other signs he likes you but he wants you to chase him:
He has given you hints that he likes you but hasn’t really made a move to take things forward
He talks about other dates to make you jealous
He isn’t asking you out but doesn’t like it when you go out with others
3. When he pulls away after exclusively dating you, it means he is scared of commitment
This man put so much effort into winning you. He flattered you and genuinely cared for you. You started dating each other exclusively. However, he now refuses to commit to you or call you his partner. He came on strong then backed off. This could be one of the signs you are dating a commitment-phobe.
People who have this phobia usually take a step back when things get serious. According to a study, it was found that those who avoid committed romantic relationships are likely a product of unresponsive or over-intrusive parenting.
5 Signs He Is Pulling Away
He could be stressed. He could be focusing on other areas of his life. But that doesn’t mean he can’t drop you a text to tell you he’s occupied. This is where the whole problem lies. He can be considerate and tell you he’s busy or he can continue to be aloof. The latter is one of the dating red flags you should never ignore.
You don’t know if the problem is in his attachment style or if he is deliberately ignoring you. Whether he’s stuck at work, dating someone else, or he’s confused about you, here are some signs he is pulling away in case you are wondering why he is acting so distant all of a sudden.
1. He is not sharing anything with you anymore
This is one of the first things that happens when a guy pulls away. He will hold back on sharing his feelings and opinions. He avoids eye contact, barely texts you anymore, and the communication is slowly dying down. These are some of the ways to figure out if your guy is avoiding you.
He once tried to be your knight in shining armor. But now finds it hard to take an interest in how your day went. This is where you need to be careful. When he pulls away, do nothing. Not investing in the relationship is a calculated choice from his side, and you should be with someone who loves sharing his life with you.
2. He’s no longer excited about spending time with you
When you love someone, you want to talk to them, meet them, and be in their presence for as long as you can. When he’s no longer interested in spending time with you or going on dates with you, then it’s one of the signs he’s backing away from the relationship.
3. He doesn’t appreciate, compliment, or acknowledge you
A few basic things that keep a relationship harmonious are communication, acceptance, acknowledgment, and appreciation. When you stop doing even one of these, it may cause problems in the relationship. You’ll know he doesn’t want to be with you anymore when he stops appreciating you.
4. Signs he is pulling away — there’s little to no intimacy now
All types of intimacies will take a backseat when he pulls away. There won’t be any emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy between you and your boyfriend. He is no longer vulnerable with you. He either wants to be with you just to have sex or he’s having sex with you just because the two of you are dating. It’s become an emotionally unfulfilling dynamic. You need to leave him alone when he pulls away like this.
5. He has stopped talking about the relationship’s future
If the two of you have been dating for a long time, have great chemistry, and he pulls away all of a sudden, then there are chances he doesn’t see a future with you. When you love someone, you want to eventually move in together, get married, and settle down. But if he has stopped talking about his and the relationship’s future, it’s one of the signs he’s not interested anymore.
Do you want to know how to keep a guy interested or how to make a guy fall in love with you all over again? Here are some strategies on how to turn the tables when he pulls away.
1. Don’t freak out
The first thing to keep in mind when he acts distant is that it could be nothing. He could be dealing with family issues or he could be genuinely stuck at work every day and hasn’t had the time to respond to your messages or he may need space and want to spend some time alone.
How do you get his attention when he pulls away? By remaining calm. Leave him alone when he pulls away. This is the best thing you can do if you want the relationship to survive. Even if he intentionally withdraws from the relationship, don’t act out of haste or confront him immediately.
2. Observe his actions
When a guy suddenly acts uninterested, it can trigger unwanted traumas from the past and nibble at our deepest fears. This is where you need to stop overthinking. If you want to know how to turn the tables when he pulls away, then try to observe his actions. Did you do or say something to upset him? Or maybe he is learning how to get over insecurities. It could be something related to you or completely unrelated to you as well. That’s why you need to observe patiently before you burst out.
3. Do something thoughtful for him
You’re wondering how to win him back after he pulls away, or what to text when he pulls away all of a sudden. If the reasons for his distant behavior are still unclear, then do something sweet and thoughtful. Or try texting him something romantic. Try to do a few things that will make your boyfriend happy and feel loved.
Try to reignite the love and find out how to get him to chase you. You can try new things in bed if you want to know how to turn him on. Cook for him. Praise him. If there are signs he has strong feelings for you, then he will come back.
4. Have a conversation with him
Communication is the key to healthy relationships. Sit down. Chat with him. Don’t escalate the conversation by accusations and allegations. Don’t play the blame game. Use “I” sentences. Tell him how you feel rather than telling him how he’s making you feel.
Some of the examples are:
I feel like you are avoiding me
I think our emotional intimacy is taking a hit
I feel like you are pulling away and we need to find ways to rebuild our relationship
5. Give him space
Give a man space when he pulls away even after having a conversation regarding his behavior. Don’t force him to talk to you. Don’t compel him to spend time with you. You can’t be the only one to fix this. It requires two people in a relationship to bridge the gap.
If you see the signs he’s pulling away, then let him have some alone time to process his thoughts and emotions. Maybe he is pulling back in a relationship because he wants a break. There are many benefits of taking a break in a relationship. If that’s what you want too, then taking a break in a relationship is nothing unusual. It is healthy and known to strengthen a bond.
6. Don’t chase him
If he didn’t fall for all the sweet things you did for him and is still showing no interest in you, then here is one of the shocking things to do when a man pulls away – Act like he doesn’t exist. If he’s moving away from you, you need to move away as well.
You can’t chase him if he doesn’t want to be with you. It will just make him feel trapped. When he pulls away in a relationship and it doesn’t seem like he wishes to return, you don’t need to put so much effort and energy into him anymore.
7. Go out with your friends
Have an exciting life without him. A man isn’t everything. You can have a life with or without him. Go out with your friends. Meet your family. Go back to your old hobbies. Follow your passion. The world doesn’t stop just because a man stopped giving you the attention and love you were seeking.
This is one of the best ways to get a man to chase you after he pulls away. Live your life. Don’t ever think that the fault is yours when you know it’s not. It’s one thing to care for a man in a healthy relationship. But the trait of showering you with attention one day and acting like they don’t know you the next is toxic.
8. Date other people
Here’s what to do when you had great chemistry and he pulls away out of the blue. Date other men. He can’t expect you to tolerate his behavior forever. He took enough advantage of your resilience. It’s time you learn how to pull away from a guy you love. He can’t be AWOL for weeks and expect you to be single. So date other people. This will definitely make him come back. If nothing works, this is our last tip on how to turn the tables when he pulls away.
Key Pointers
It’s a red flag if he frequently resorts to a push and pull behavior
He might be pulling away in the initial stages of dating because he isn’t attracted to you
One of the major signs he is pulling away is when he shows no interest in your life
If it feels like he is just doing this to hurt you, leave him and date other people
You need to know what to do when he pulls away instead of chasing him. If he’s a narcissist, this is exactly what he wants. Don’t feed his ego by letting him play with your feelings. This sequence of him pulling away and then coming back can seriously impact your mental health.
FAQs
1. Is he testing me by pulling away?
If this has happened just once, then you have nothing to worry about. He could be genuinely busy. But if this is a recurring action, then he is testing you by pulling away.
2. When a man pulls away how long does it last?
It can last from a day to weeks. Anything more than 3 weeks is practically a breakup. You don’t have to wait for him if he has ignored you for even 4 days straight. Every relationship has fights. That doesn’t mean you should pull away abruptly without a mutual conversation about taking space.
3. Should you pull away when he pulls away?
If there is no logical reason behind his behavior, then yes. You must pull away. If you’ve done something to offend or hurt him, then talk to him. Try to understand why he’s pulling away from you.
Pregnancy is no less than a miracle. However, it’s also no secret that it’s back-breaking (quite literally) and brings enormous changes in a couple’s life. Sometimes, relationships don’t pass this test and you might find yourself in the middle of ending a relationship while pregnant.
Pregnancy is overwhelming enough on its own, but to go through a breakup on top of that can be arduous. However, when you realize that the relationship is not working for you, sticking around just because leaving seems too daunting simply means kicking the can down the road.
As scary as the prospect of ending a relationship during pregnancy may be, know that you’re not alone. We’re here to help you figure out how best to maneuver this unexpected curveball. In this article, trauma-informed counseling psychologist Anushtha Mishra (MSc., Counseling Psychology), who specializes in providing therapy for concerns such as trauma, relationship issues, depression, anxiety, grief, and loneliness among others, writes about how to deal with breaking up while pregnant and living together.
What challenges does pregnancy bring about in a couple’s life?
Pregnancy marks a new beginning in a woman’s life. Your body is changing and a whole lot in your life is shifting, including the relationship you share with your partner. As a couple, this may not be one of the smoothest rides of your journey together so far.
Pregnancy is a delicate period in a couple’s lives and as much as you want to protect your bond with your partner, challenges are bound to come your way. It’s important to identify these to be able to figure out a way of dealing with them effectively. Below are a few challenges that pregnancy can bring up in a couple’s life:
1. It may lead to a lack of communication
Pregnancy is an overwhelming experience for both the parents-to-be. One among many similar studies shows that the prenatal stage can be very stressful for expecting mothers. In that study, about 17% of the women were psychologically stressed. This kind of stress makes it harder to communicate your feelings and thoughts to your partner because it’s already too much to process for you.
Lack of communication is a threat to the very existence of a relationship. It escalates conflicts and makes you form a negative perspective of your partner. It is detrimental to your health as well, which is the last thing you need when you are expecting.
So, it’s important that you try not to keep your concerns to yourself and talk about stress and anxiety. Discuss what it will be like to be a parent, including your expectations, challenges you may come across, and childcare arrangements.
2. There will be changes in expectations
Pregnancy brings with it a lot of changes. It becomes necessary then that partners’ expectations from each other are altered to make room for these changes. If the expectations are not adjusted, there will be disappointments because it will be very difficult for both partners to live up to the expectations they had from each other pre-pregnancy.
Women also go through a lot of behavioral changes during pregnancy. Your partner expecting you to do everything that you did before will lead to you being unhappy in a relationship while pregnant. It goes the other way around as well.
Changing the expectations in a relationship can seem overwhelming at first, making it one of the biggest challenges for a couple during pregnancy. It’s important to discuss the expectations beforehand so that the transition period is easier for you both.
3. A shift of responsibility between the couple
Along with changes in expectations, there will also be a shift in responsibilities. There’s a lot that you would both need to do like educating yourself on different aspects of having a baby, preparing the home for the arrival of your newborn, and so on. Your partner would need to take on a little more responsibility during this time, including taking care of you and your emotional needs.
Your primary responsibility would also shift toward yourself and taking care of your baby, and you may be more focused on learning about the process of labor, birth, and postpartum recovery. While you will rely on your partner, you also need to take the responsibility of letting your partner in. In fact, that will be one of their expectations as well.
4. Sex might come down a notch
By this, I mean a phase where there’s little to no sexual activity between the couple. It’s normal for your sex drive to change during pregnancy. This isn’t something to worry about. You may either find having sex very enjoyable during pregnancy or simply feel you don’t want to.
A study indicates that pregnancy is a phase of sexual slack for couples. This was mainly due to the concern for the baby’s well-being. However, this comes from a lack of awareness. According to National Health Services (NSH), it’s perfectly safe to have sex while pregnant unless your doctor has advised you against it.
This lack of awareness and fear for the baby may become very challenging because periods of sexual slack can be frustrating and may give rise to feelings of loneliness, lack of connection, and understanding, especially if either of the partners wants to but the other isn’t up for it.
5. There may be a shift in the mood of the relationship
Pregnancy is a time when hormones fluctuate, making you feel moody a lot. There are a lot of emotions the to-be mother goes through – happiness, anger, irritability, sadness, and even anxiety.
However, your partner also goes through a lot of emotions, ranging from happiness to confusion to uncertainty. These mood swings that you experience and the whole pressure your partner feels might shift the mood of the entire relationship as well.
This is challenging because it can be really stressful holding space for each other’s emotional attunement when you are both vulnerable. Communicating with each other is paramount for working through this challenge.
Reasons to end a relationship during pregnancy
Anna, who is a teenager and 4 months pregnant, often asks her friends, “My boyfriend left me pregnant, will he come back? Why was I dumped while pregnant?” Her friends tell her that he is gone for good. But why is that so? What are the reasons that break up a relationship during pregnancy?
It is daunting to break up with your baby’s parent and I know that ending a relationship while pregnant is scary. While you can overcome some of the challenges that the couple face during pregnancy, there are some relationship challenges you can do very little about. It might then be essential to end the relationship.
You decide your own non-negotiables, your own reasons to be in or out of your relationship, pregnant or otherwise. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the challenges of pregnancy and unsure about the future, it may help to be mindful of these common reasons why people end their relationships during pregnancy.
1. A lack of support
Pregnancy is a wonderful life event but also a difficult one for the couple. The focus shifts to the pregnancy so much that emotional connection sometimes takes a backseat. This can be confusing to your partner and they may become less or not at all enthusiastic about the pregnancy. If this persists and the lack of support continues, it can become a toxic relationship. It‘s your decision, but ending a toxic relationship while pregnant is a good idea, even when it is really scary.
Sometimes, it may also happen that a partner only thought of the cute fun aspects of the pregnancy such as maternity pictures but completely forgot about things like morning sickness. When they have to deal with the strenuous sides of pregnancy, it sends them headed for the hills. This is a common scenario for a breakup, especially among teenagers.
2. Your partner faltering over the pregnancy
The changes that come with pregnancy are overwhelming. Even when both of you thought you were ready for this, your partner might realize that it’s more than they can handle. This may lead to them getting cold feet. If your partner’s cold feet last longer than you can handle, then it can be a reason for ending a relationship while pregnant.
Having a partner who is not sure about their ability to handle a pregnancy or parenthood can leave you stressed and heartbroken, which is detrimental to your and your baby’s health. One out of many studies shows that stress during pregnancy is a risk factor for adverse outcomes for mothers and children. To avoid this kind of stress and heartbreak during pregnancy, it is a good idea to evaluate your relationship.
3. The changes in expectations might not settle in too well
One of the challenges we discussed before is that there will be changes in the relationship expectations when you are expecting a baby. This challenge can be hard to overcome. If your partner doesn’t adjust to these new expectations, it can be a dealbreaker.
The changes in expectation might look like, but are not limited to, your partner and you showing more support to each other’s needs that have changed, your partner taking on a little more responsibility, and you taking care of yourself more than you might be used to.
Any kind of change or uncertainty in a relationship is difficult and so is this one. Some couples are able to overcome this with the help of honest communication or by taking help from a mental health professional. But if it starts to overwhelm you and you don’t see the relationship moving past this hurdle, you can consider ending a relationship while pregnant.
4. Constant state of unhappiness in the relationship
It’s normal that the mood of the relationship shifts and drifts between excitement and anxiousness, but do you or your partner find yourself looking for excuses to ignore each other, feel put off by each other, and don’t share much anymore? These may be telling signs that there’s unhappiness in the relationship.
If you are unhappy in a relationship while pregnant, it is important to analyze what’s bothering you and then discuss it with your partner or reach out to a relationship counselor. But if despite trying everything, you’re at a dead end and the state of your relationship is affecting you negatively, it may not be a bad idea to end the relationship then.
5. Emotional, physical, or verbal abuse
According to a study by The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG), one in six abused women is abused during pregnancy. More than 320,000 women are abused by their partners during pregnancy each year.
Abuse can not only harm you but also can put your unborn baby in grave danger. It can lead to miscarriage, your baby being born too soon, having a low birth weight, or physical deformities. It is important that you recognize that you are in an abusive relationship.
Once you realize this, you’ve made the first step toward getting help in ending a relationship while pregnant. Tell someone you trust. Once you’ve confided in them, they might be able to put you in touch with a crisis hotline, legal-aid service, a shelter, or a safe haven for abused women.
Breakups are hard regardless of whether you are expecting them or not and some take the breakup harder than others. It’s definitely more complicated when you are pregnant because then you’re breaking up with not just your partner but also your child’s parent. There is a chance they’re going to be around in your baby’s life, whether you like it or not.
Anna found herself staring down a dark abyss of uncertainty after her boyfriend decided to walk out on her and their unborn child. Coping with the reality of breaking up while pregnant and living together wasn’t easy but she leaned on her support system and found ways to deal with the situation as best as she could. This support helped her transition from “My boyfriend left me pregnant, will he come back?” to “I am self-sufficient and I will be okay”. She didn’t let the experience of being dumped while pregnant hold her and her baby back.
There is no denying that this situation is tough and it becomes difficult to tread the water sometimes but know that there are ways you can cope with ending a toxic relationship while pregnant and come out brighter and better on the other side, just like Anna. Listed below are some ways to cope that I can vouch for as a therapist:
1. Take your time to grieve
It’s important that you give yourself enough time to grieve. Pregnancy is already a physically and emotionally taxing experience. A breakup, then, brings you face to face with a reality that is markedly different from what you had hoped for yourself and your baby. This can leave you grappling with the feeling of being abandoned during pregnancy.
Let your feelings flow and give yourself the space to grieve and process your loss. Do things you think would help you express your emotions. Indulge in that ice cream tub with a box of tissues by your side while you watch something emotional. Cry on your couch and take time to feel better and accept what has happened.
If it gets hard to navigate this loss, reach out to a mental health professional who can help you walk through this. If you’re looking for help, skilled and experienced counselors on Bonobology’s panel are here for you.
2. Be in check of your finances
I know this is the last thing you want to deal with when you are already in emotional turmoil but it is important that you check in on your financial situation too. Ending a relationship while pregnant is a huge change from the life you had envisioned for yourself, and you need to make sure you’ve got all your bases covered.
You are going to build a nest to take care of your baby and it’s only understandable that after a breakup, you calculate how much money you’ll roughly need to gain as much stability and independence as possible.
You also need to make sure you have a job and that you understand and take advantage of any maternity leaves that are offered by your employer without relying on the hope that your ex-partner would be willing to support either you or your child.
3. Lean on your support system
This is a lonely experience and the best way to find comfort at this time is to seek strength through your support system. Your loved ones will offer ever-flowing and unconditional support in this time of need. Seeing them care for you will help you feel better.
Stress, as mentioned before, takes a severe toll on both the expecting mother and the baby. It is, for this reason, crucial that you seek support as a part of the breakup healing process. I understand that you may want to withdraw from interacting with anyone but keeping people who care for you close can help you heal. Try letting them in.
4. Practice positive coping skills
Breaking up during pregnancy is tough and this is only putting it mildly. I can’t stress enough how bad stress is for an expecting mother and her baby, and so now, more than ever, it’s important to practice positive coping skills.
Maybe try enjoying moderate exercise that helps release endorphins, which are known as happy hormones. Studies show and The American Psychological Association also mentions how exercise can boost our mental health.
Meditation or learning the art of deep breathing also helps. Doing yoga while pregnant also is a great idea. A study shows that yoga is really effective in improving pregnancy and overall mental health. Whatever healthy coping skills you’ve got, use them.
5. It’s time you focus on yourself and your baby
This is maybe one of the most essential parts of any breakup and pregnancy doesn’t change that. You do need to take care of your unborn baby but you also need to make sure you focus on yourself. Remember, taking care of and focusing on yourself will help the health of the baby as well.
It’s difficult to let go after a breakup. I can’t even imagine the strength it might take to do so while the hormones are magnifying your every emotion. But, remember, that you don’t have to do it all by yourself, take the support you need and keep moving forward one step at a time.
Key Pointers
Pregnancy is an overwhelming experience for both the parents-to-be
There are many challenges a couple faces during pregnancy such as lack of communication, a shift in responsibilities and expectations, and dwindling intimacy
Lack of support, a constant state of unhappiness, and your partner faltering over the pregnancy are some legitimate reasons for ending a relationship while pregnant
Abuse is an absolute deal breaker in a relationship, pregnant or otherwise
You can deal with the breakup during pregnancy by taking time to grieve and focusing on yourself. Being in check of your finances and leaning on your support system is also important
Ideally, a baby needs both parents to thrive. But real life is far from idealistic. Ending your relationship while pregnant could be the only option if your partner isn’t on board with resolving conflict, isn’t committed to the idea of parenthood, or has become abusive.
Children learn from their caregivers. If the child sees you in an unhappy union, they might learn that it’s okay to compromise your values and needs in order to stay in a relationship. While ending a relationship while pregnant is the last thing you would want to do, if you have your reasons, it might be the best decision for both you and your baby.
“Should I apologize to my ex? Or should I let it go?” It’s a battle between the heart and the mind. Snapchat throws memories at you from five years ago. And the sudden urge to unblock your ex takes over. You think about all the times you made them cry. The picture of their cute face melts your heart like ice cream. And you are down that rabbit hole of guilt and regret.
Maybe there were too many unnecessary fights. Or maybe you didn’t give them the respect that they deserved. Maybe you were so caught up in your issues that you became blind to their needs. All these maybes start messing with your brain and all you want to do is pour them out in the form of a long apology letter starting with ‘Dear ex’.
So, if you’re wondering, “Is it too late to apologize to an ex? Should I apologize to my ex for acting crazy?”, don’t worry, we’ve got your back. These useful pointers will help you decide if it’s worth reconnecting with your ex to apologize.
Research points out that staying friends with exes out of suppressed feelings for them led to negative outcomes, whereas staying friends due to security and practical reasons led to more positive outcomes. So, the question of the hour is…Are you apologizing to your ex out of suppressed feelings for them or because you want to be civil and don’t want them to hold grudges against you? Consider the following questions to arrive at a wise decision:
1. Is the apology a dire need?
Apologizing to an ex years later only makes sense if you caused them a lot of pain and the guilt is still too hard to shake off. Did you physically or mentally abuse them? Or did you ghost them and weren’t mature enough to break up properly? Did you gaslight them or emotionally neglect them? Or did you cheat on them?
Scenarios like this can be difficult to get over. In such cases, you should surely apologize to your ex because you may have caused deep emotional damage. You might be the reason they have trust issues. If your apology comes from a place of sincerity, will bring you peace, and help you heal, then go ahead and apologize to your ex.
How to apologize to an ex? Just say, “I am really sorry for all the pain that I have caused you. I was so immature and you didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I know I should have known better. I have learned a lot and I’m trying to become a better person. I hope you forgive me someday.”
2. Is this a way to get them to apologize?
My friend Paul keeps asking me, “Should I apologize to my ex who dumped me? Maybe she feels sorry too, for what she did.” This is a classic example of the apology being conditional. Paul wants to apologize not because he feels sorry but wants his ex to feel sorry for what she did and ask for his forgiveness. So, if your objective is to get an apology in return, you should not apologize to your ex. No apology is better than an apology tendered with selfish and ulterior motives.
3. Is this just an excuse to talk to them?
I apologized to my ex and he ignored me. I was pretty hurt and crushed when he did that. To make sure you don’t have to go through that, I urge you to be honest with yourself. Are you wondering how to apologize to an ex because you want to take accountability for your actions or just because you want to hear their voice again? Is this because you are missing them like crazy and want their attention anyhow?
If the answer is in the affirmative, abort your mission right now. Go take a walk. Watch an interesting Netflix show. Complete that pending presentation from work. Sit with your parents and laugh on lame WhatsApp forwards. Go to a salon and change your hairstyle. Call up your best friend. Call up anyone EXCEPT your ex. Distract yourself.
4. You just got dumped
My colleague, Sarah, recently confided in me, “Should I apologize to my ex after no contact? The relationship I was in after breaking up with him just ended. I couldn’t talk to my ex while I was dating but now that I am single, I feel like saying sorry to my ex for being needy.”
The breakup has just triggered old trauma in her. She just needs to fill the void on an immediate basis. She also wants to jeopardize her ex’s current relationship. Can you relate to her? If you can, don’t go forward with the apology.
5. Can you stop at an apology?
Research has found that 71% of people don’t get back together with their exes, only 15% of those who get back together, stay together, and around 14% get back together but break up again. Before you act on your desire to rekindle a romance with an apology, know that the odds are stacked against you. Apologizing to an ex years later only to go down the rabbit hole of confusion is just not worth it.
So, ask yourself, “Should I apologize to my ex who dumped me? Can I stop at an apology? Am I doing it because I low-key want to get back together with them?” If your “I am sorry” can easily turn into “Hey, let’s give it another shot”, then trust me you are better off without apologizing.
6. Have you truly moved on?
Your relationship doesn’t need constant revisiting; only the song Summer of ‘69 does. So, ask yourself, have you truly moved on? If you are finding excuses to talk to them again and again, you have not moved on from them. If your intent is not right, this apology might just delay the whole process of moving instead of bringing you closer to healing.
So, instead of sulking about not getting closure, channel your energies into creating new memories in old places. Don’t keep your ex’s things around you. Don’t ask your mutual friends how your ex is doing. Reconnect with yourself (write about places you want to explore and food you want to try). Focus on the positives of the breakup and celebrate this freedom of yours.
7. Forgive yourself
Is it too late to apologize to an ex? Maybe. Perhaps, they are happily dating someone else. Or reaching out to them after no contact may get in the way of their efforts to move on. In such circumstances, reestablishing contact, even if it’s just to apologize, may not be a good idea. But you can always work on forgiving yourself. You can take the lessons that you have learned and apply them to your next relationship. It is never too late for that.
If your relationship was traumatic, there is a very real chance that your ex may respond negatively to your apology. They can say something like, “I don’t think I can ever forgive you for the pain that you caused. You are not worthy of my forgiveness. I hate you and I regret dating you.” This is the worst-case scenario but if you are not prepared for such harsh reactions, you should avoid apologizing to your ex. Working on forgiving yourself is hence better than begging for their forgiveness.
8. Ask yourself, “Do I need to apologize to my ex, or am I just beating myself up?”
Maybe you expected more out of yourself and can’t process the things that you did. And that’s why you go around asking your friends, “Should I apologize to my ex for being needy?” Listen, it’s okay. You messed up and now it is all in the past. At that time, you were wounded and didn’t know any better. The subconscious mind loves to bring in old memories. Don’t fall into the traps of “Oh, if only…” or “I wish…”. It all happened for a reason.
Write down all your suppressed feelings. Or let them out of your system by dancing, painting, or working out. Instead of punishing yourself, start taking proactive steps toward evolving in your speech, behavior, thoughts, and actions. Take the road of acceptance and introspection. Yoga and meditation can also help you a lot in loving yourself again. Also, maintain a gratitude journal and write in it every day.
9. Is your ex mature enough?
Still wondering, “Should I apologize to my ex?” Even if you do apologize, imagine the hypothetical reaction of your ex. Would they lash out and make you feel worse? Would they take it as a sign that you are not over them? Or would they accept this apology, forgive, and move on? If you were dating an immature person, the latter is unlikely.
So, you should be ready for all kinds of reactions. Stop if you know their reaction is going to hurt you. They might not forgive you right away and you should be okay with that. Only go forward with that apology if you are doing it with zero expectations. Your intention should be closure and letting go of residual guilt so that you can move on peacefully.
10. Maybe you are just going through a hard time
Maybe your parents got divorced. Or your job is just killing you from the inside. Or you just lost someone close to you. Such situations can trigger old trauma. Also, in such vulnerable times, you might feel like bonding with the person who was once very close to you. So, this need to apologize could be stemming from loneliness and wanting a shoulder to cry on. In this situation, the answer to “Should I apologize to my ex?” is “No”.
11. Recollect how your relationship made you feel
Was it a toxic and codependent relationship? Did it destroy you both from the inside? Did you become another version of yourself in that relationship? Did you spend most of your days crying? Remind yourself of all that mess and pain before asking the question, “Should I apologize to my ex for acting crazy?” Maybe, the crazy thing is wanting to revisit all that trauma.
If your ex cheated on you and you were not the one at fault, there is no point justifying their wrongdoings. Don’t blame yourself and definitely don’t say something like, “I am sorry I didn’t give you enough time. Maybe that is what made you cheat.” Their betrayal is not justified and you don’t owe them an apology.
12. Has no contact been good for you?
Is the no-contact rule working out just fine for you? Have you been a healthier version of yourself ever since you stopped talking to your ex? If the answer is yes, don’t let one weak moment take you down. Don’t apologize. Some self-control is all you need. Look for healthy distractions (like talking to people who are good for your mental health or channeling all those energies into your career).
13. Is staying in touch with your exes a recurrent pattern?
When I apologized to my ex and he ignored me, I realized for a fact that this was a deeper behavioral pattern. It involved more exes and more apologies. I realized that I was blocking my own happiness by keeping old memories so close to my heart. Turning a new leaf is only possible if old, dry leaves are crushed and forgotten.
Related Reading: Moving On From A Toxic Relationship – 8 Expert Tips To Help
So, ask yourself, “Should I apologize to my ex or should I work on myself instead?” If you are someone who keeps going back to people who are not good for you, there are definitely deeper patterns at work. Seeking professional help can help you recognize the childhood trauma that’s related to these patterns. Learning about your attachment style can help you find the answers that have eluded you for so long and understand why your relationship patterns. If you’re looking for help, counselors from Bonobology’s panel are here for you always.
Key Pointers
Before apologizing to your ex, you need to introspect on whether it truly is an apology or just an excuse to talk to them again
You can go ahead with an apology if you think you can stick to getting closure and nothing more
If your apology is conditional and you are expecting something in return, it is better to not talk at all
Apologizing can backfire if your ex is not mature enough, old resentment gets triggered, or a never-ending cycle of blame games begins
The only reasonable way to move on is forgiving yourself, learning the required lessons, and not repeating the same mistakes in your next relationship
Finally, let’s end with a quote by Helena Bonham Carter, “[If a relationship] isn’t forever, that doesn’t mean it’s a failure. The important thing is that you have to allow the other person to grow. And if they’re not going in the same direction, however heart-breaking, you have to do what is right for that growth. It’s hard to do something forever because life is very short.”
FAQs
1. Should I apologize to my ex or let it go?
Depends on how toxic your relationship was, how mature your ex is, the intentions behind that apology, and your ability to stick to an apology and respect boundaries.
2. Is apologizing to an ex selfish?
No, it’s not selfish. After becoming self-aware, we look back and realize how we caused pain to people unintentionally. Apologizing could have more to do with guilt, shame, and regret instead of selfish behavior.
Should you contact the person your spouse is cheating with? What a predicament! Simply finding a yes/no answer to this can cost you many a night of sleep. But we can understand why this insane urge to meet this mystery person is so real. Your spouse has chosen them over you – if that’s not blasphemy, we don’t know what is! What could they possibly offer your spouse that was missing in your marriage?
Now your imagination is running amok – Is she prettier than me? Is he really that good in bed? You feel like you’re losing your mind in dealing with the worst-case scenarios and the insecurities stemming from them. Yes, meeting this person can help you confirm some of these assumptions. But will it add any value to your healing process? We don’t want you to do anything impulsive that you may regret later.
So, should you confront your husband’s lover or the man who slept with your wife? Let’s figure that out with insights from clinical psychologist Devaleena Ghosh (M.Res, Manchester University), founder of Kornash: The Lifestyle Management School, who specializes in couples counseling and family therapy.
Vanessa, our reader from Arizona, is grappling with a similar dilemma. “Even though my husband assured me that his affair was over, neither his eyes nor his actions reassured me that was the case. There was something shady about his behavior, which made me think, Should I confront the woman my husband cheated with? Eventually, I confronted the other woman. Learning so many insulting things he told her about me and the fact that the affair was still on simply shattered me.”
Michael, a nurse practitioner from Calgary, on the other hand, was a bit skeptical about meeting his wife’s lover. He says, “My wife cheated on me and I can’t stop thinking about it but I am not sure if I can deal with coming face to face with him. After all, what to say to the man who slept with your wife?” After a tug of war over whether to meet or not to meet, Michael finally called that man. And he said that he had no idea about his lover being married. He didn’t intend to become the third wheel in a marriage; he apologized and ended things with her, for good.
I guess you comprehend from these narratives that there is no easy way to answer the question – should you contact the person your spouse is cheating with? That meeting can be extremely enlightening or it can further break your heart into pieces. If you are adamant about confronting the other man/woman, be sure of your motives first. What are you expecting to hear? Are you ready to digest the minute details of your spouse’s romantic affair?
Because a meeting between the cheated spouse and the affair buddy is not exactly about exchanging pleasantries. Then should you confront your husband’s lover (or wife’s)? That depends on you and a few other factors:
Is the affair partner your acquaintance?
Is the affair over or still on?
Do you believe your spouse is lying to you about ending the affair?
Do you want to meet them alone or along with your spouse?
Are you trying to rebuild your marriage after cheating or you have decided to move on?
Devaleena says, “There can’t be a straightforward yes/no answer to this. It depends on an individual’s situation, their relationship with their spouse, and the nature of the affair to some extent. Some people can’t deal with this mystery. They tend to ponder over imaginary situations.
“So, they end up connecting to their spouse’s lover looking for clarity. In all likelihood, such a meeting does more damage than helping the cheated partner cope with this breach of trust. Plus, it can make it harder to rebuild and restore the relationship.”
Pros Of Talking To The Person Your Spouse Cheated With
When you discover the one person you trusted the most is taking advantage of your blind faith and having an affair under your nose, your world falls apart. You almost lose your sense of right and wrong and are consumed by intense hurt and betrayal. You want nothing more than to see the affair end. And your head is probably bursting with negative thoughts like “What if the other woman keeps contacting my husband behind my back?” or, “I want to hurt the man who slept with my wife”.
As much as we sympathize with you, we’d still advise you against acting on impulse. Before you give into the temptation of a cathartic confrontation, ask yourself, should you contact the person your spouse is cheating with? What good can come out of it? Addressing these questions, Devaleena says, “You would know exactly where your spouse stands in the relationship right now – whether they are still in touch or it’s over once and for all.
“You can make sure your spouse is not keeping you in the dark about anything. You learn facts when you hear both sides of the story. And the only positive side of the meeting is that it will help you decide how you want to navigate the marriage from this point forward.” Based on Devaleena’s observation, we have drafted a pros list to solve your dilemma of “Should I confront the woman my husband cheated with?” or “Should I talk to the man my wife had an affair with?”
1. You learn about the nature of the affair
Daniel, a 32-year-old sales rep from Ohio, wrote to us, “My wife cheated on me and I can’t stop thinking about it. I was not sure if I should go behind her back and meet this man. There was just one thought in my head: I want to hurt the man who slept with my wife. I contacted him anyway and got to know about some information I was unaware of. I had no idea my wife was unhappy in the marriage!”
Contrary to Daniel’s motive behind a showdown with his wife’s affair partner, the conversation helped him see the underlying issues in his marriage and opened a channel of communication with his wife. You could also find out why the affair started in the first place, the span and current status of the affair, if it was purely physical or there was an emotional connection, and so on. While this information may not be very beneficial for the healing process, at least it puts an end to your limitless assumptions and helps you think rationally.
You learn more about the affair by confronting the other woman
2. You get to hear a different point of view
In the version of Blair’s husband, he tried his best to resist but he was persistently tempted by the other woman until she trapped him in this affair. Blair says, “When my husband’s infidelity came to light, something about his version of the events wasn’t sitting right with me. I wanted to talk to the other woman but had my apprehensions. Should you confront your husband’s lover? I wrestled with this question for a long time. But the other woman kept contacting my husband and I couldn’t believe a word coming out of his mouth. So, I decided to face her, and hearing her side of the story left me utterly dismayed.”
As it turned out, the woman got pregnant and Blair’s husband refused to take any responsibility and simply cut her off. You know, every cloud has a silver lining. And this fresh turn of events made it real easy for Blair to decide the future of her marriage. Confronting the person your spouse is cheating with is not exactly a walk in the park. But the clarity you get about the whole scenario can be worth it.
3. They might apologize
Let’s take a peek at what’s going on in the lover’s mind for a second: “His wife contacted me/her husband contacted me. I am about to get an earful in the meeting. What if they create a scene? Perhaps I should say sorry and calm him/her down for the time being.” Or this person might feel genuine remorse for being the reason why your marriage is on the rocks. Even though you shouldn’t hold your breath for it, you can still receive an apology and that could mend your heart a little, right?
Devaleena says, “If the other person has also been kept in the dark, they can offer an honest apology. And if they are apologizing, the decent thing to do is to be the bigger person here and accept it. You have to understand that there is no point in holding a third person accountable. It always takes two to have an affair.”
4. You can make that person feel intimidated/jealous
Should you contact the person your spouse is cheating with? Perhaps you should if you are going there with a bigger agenda than just gathering information about the affair. When you are determined to make the other woman/man go away and save your marriage by hook or crook, you may have to do what it takes to hold on to your turf. Convince your spouse’s affair partner that you are the one who’s still in charge and half your job is done. After all, they also live with a series of insecurities while dating a married person.
A Reddit user shares a similar experience of having dealt with his wife’s affair partner, “My wife lent him 20 grand. She knew he wouldn’t be able to return the money and she was afraid of telling me. We were in the process of reconciling. So, I went to his house just for fun and dropped the bomb on him: “I am her husband.” He turned white. I demanded the money and threatened to show all the WhatsApp chats to his mom and daughters (he’s a widower). He paid in a week.”
5. You know how they feel about your spouse now
Another positive outcome of meeting your spouse’s lover is that you get a hint of their feelings. Was it just a passing fling for them? Are they widely infatuated or are we talking about a meaningful bond here? From the way this person speaks about your spouse, you can make out if they will leave you two alone easily or if they would hold their ground and fight for their love. So then, should you contact the person your spouse is cheating with? I believe you already know your answer by now.
Cons of talking to the person your spouse cheated with
“Should I confront the woman my husband cheated with/the man my wife has an affair with?” You go to a therapist or a friend with the same query and chances are their advice would be a firm ‘no’. It may not be what you want to hear at the moment but they have got a point. Confronting your spouse’s affair partner may open a can of worms and the damage done could be beyond any fixing – for your mental health and your marriage.
According to Devaleena, “The worst part of this strategy is that you contact this person in search of full clarity. And there is no guarantee that you can actually get that. What if the person lies to your face?” On that note, let’s discuss the cons of talking to the person your spouse is cheating with:
1. They can provoke you
When you are trying to settle on a yes/no for the “should you contact the person your spouse is cheating with” conundrum, remember this encounter can turn real nasty real soon. They would probably go to any extent to safeguard their dignity and won’t let go without a tough battle of words. Can you stoop down to their level? I guess not. But you should know what’s coming your way.
Devaleena says, “In case the affair partner is being provocative, there is a possibility it’s majorly influenced by your spouse. Probably, this person is also brainwashed just like they tried to manipulate you. When a married person is having an affair, they tend to say a lot of bad things about the spouse to gain sympathy from the other woman/man.”
2. You can’t help comparing yourself to them
Patrick was intimidated when he saw the young, handsome guy his wife was dating, “My wife cheated on me and I can’t stop thinking about it. Before confronting him, I was all about, “I want to hurt the man who slept with my wife”. But when I met this exuberant, dashing, life-affirming fellow, I felt, “How can a 48-year-old boring chemistry teacher compete with that?” Any woman would fall for his charm.”
Devaleena makes a really good point here for people like Patrick, “It’s a gross mistake that most spouses who have been cheated on make. They end up believing that something is lacking in them whereas the truth is that the real issue or trigger here is the cheaters’ psychosocial issues. They act the way they do because they feel something is lacking in them or struggle with low self-esteem. There is absolutely no reason to beat yourself up or let this affair affect your self-worth in any way.”
3. The details can be painful to hear
Should you contact the person your spouse is cheating with? We would say ‘yes’ on one condition – only if you promise you can hold yourself together after finding out the painful specifics of this affair. That’s a pretty unreasonable clause, I know. But we are preparing you for the worst-case scenario.
These little things might come up during the conversation. The affair partner might even blurt out hurtful things just out of spite, like “Your spouse is amazing in bed” or “S/he surprised me with an all-expense-paid romantic trip to Hawaii”. Do you think you will be able to gulp it down?
4. You may not get the truth out of them
The objective of reaching out to the person your spouse is cheating with is to find out what exactly happened, right? You need clarity, maybe a timeline, or who approached first and how serious the relationship has gotten. But how can you be sure that they will spill the truth and nothing else? They are probably thinking, “His wife contacted me and asked me to meet. There must be something fishy” and they will become extra cautious.
So, they might say all sorts of irrelevant things to divert your attention from the primary issue. They can offer you some half-truths or outright deny the whole thing. At the end of the day, you will come back with a chaotic mind, more puzzled than ever. Unless you are absolutely sure what to say to the man who slept with your wife or your husband’s affair partner, it’s probably not the best move to confront them on an impulse.
Your spouse’s affair partner may not tell you the entire truth
5. You can ruin your chances of rebuilding the marriage
Infidelity can be a dealbreaker but many people work through it and come out stronger as a couple. In fact, research shows that 90% of cheating spouses do not marry their affair partners. Instead, they often engage in couples therapy, which helps immensely in rebuilding the marriage after an affair.
But if you try to cross your spouse and meet their partner straight away, it might backfire. They can get furious, maybe even completely withdraw from the relationship both emotionally and physically. And it will leave you with no other option than prepare for the end of your marriage. Devaleena suggests, “If an affair has happened, it means there is a lack of mutual respect, love, empathy, and care for each other. Those are the aspects you need to focus on rather than contacting this person.”
Key Pointers
Confronting the person your spouse is cheating with can have either positive or negative outcome
It depends on the kind of relationship you and your spouse have and the nature of the affair too
The major advantage of this confrontation is that you get to hear a different point of view and get some clarity on the matter
But this person could try to provoke you or tell you no truths at all
Comparing yourself with them can totally harm your confidence level
You may lose your chance of rebuilding the marriage
We present the good and the bad aspects of talking to your spouse’s lover. But our scale slightly weighs on the negative side. Before you settle on a firm answer to the question, should you contact the person your spouse is cheating with, think long and hard. Because this confrontation is going to be an emotional hell.
Perhaps you should consider solving it with your spouse instead of dragging in a third person and losing your dignity in the process. But ultimately, it’s your decision. And if you need any help at any point to keep it together, skilled and experienced counselors on Bonobology’s panel of experts are here for you.
When you are past the excitement and emotional rush of the initial stages of a relationship, reality hits and you realize that maintaining a partnership or marriage is not a walk in the park. You see each other for who you are (both the good and the bad), responsibilities increase, priorities change, fights happen, kids take over, busy work schedules, resentment creeps in, there’s little to no intimacy – everything seems broken. Amidst all of this, you are left wondering how to get the spark back in a broken relationship.
As the relationship progresses, you tend to lose the zing, the passion, and the excitement that once existed between you and your partner. However, this doesn’t mean that the love or romance that both of you shared is dead. It probably just got lost in the humdrum of daily life. You can still get your relationship back to the way it was in the beginning.
To understand how to get the chemistry back in a relationship, we spoke to counseling psychologist Namrata Sharma (Masters in Applied Psychology), who is a mental health and SRHR advocate and specializes in offering counseling for toxic relationships, trauma, grief, relationship issues, and gender-based and domestic violence.
Before we get to whether or not it is possible to rekindle a broken relationship or rebuild chemistry in a relationship, let’s talk about what a spark means. According to Namrata, “A spark is the first flash of attraction you feel toward a person. There’s so much happening – looking at or touching them for the first time, making eye contact, and other cute gestures. This spark brings two people into a relationship.”
“People tend to confuse it with falling in love or being in love, which is not true. A spark is similar to the honeymoon phase that couples experience in the initial days of the relationship. It’ll last for about 6-7 months. After that, it’s all about how both partners maintain their relationship. When you grow in a relationship, there is no such thing as a continuous long-term spark”, she explains.
Can you find chemistry in a relationship again? Is it possible to rekindle the romance in a long-term relationship or get your relationship back to the way it was in the beginning? Yes, it is definitely possible. Namrata explains, “If there is no chemistry at all, the relationship will die. Sparks are those pumps of air that your body gets so that you can breathe again. Even in long-term marriages, you might always feel the spark. You might find sparks or chemistry in your relationship here and there. But if you can’t feel it in the little things you do, then the relationship will not last.
“You don’t suddenly fall out of love with someone unless you have faced a traumatic incident or some kind of abuse or violence in the relationship. However, if partners have become distant over the years due to responsibilities, attachment patterns, or other reasons, but still want to be together, then they can definitely work toward bringing the spark back in their relationship.” Therefore, don’t lose hope. Read on to know how you can rekindle a broken relationship.
How To Get The Spark Back In A Broken Relationship?
When your partner and you started dating, there were sparks flying everywhere. You couldn’t take your eyes off or keep your hands off each other, would never run out of things to talk about, had date nights, enjoyed romantic candlelight dinners, etc. You never imagined that there would come a day when starting a conversation with your partner would seem like a task because there’s nothing to talk about or physical intimacy would feel like a thing of the past.
But the day has come. You probably feel that conflict, misunderstanding, resentment, or uncomfortable silences have taken over your relationship, which used to thrive and be filled with happiness at one point. The spark is gone. But don’t lose hope. You can bring the zing back into your relationship. Marriages hit a rough patch at some point but that doesn’t mean that it’s the end of the road.
You can rebuild chemistry in a relationship. You can get your relationship back to the way it was in the beginning. It is possible to rekindle the romance in a long-term relationship and fall in love all over again. This journey begins with coming face-to-face with questions like “How to make him feel the spark again?” or “How do I rekindle a broken relationship with my girlfriend?” If your mind is clouded by such thoughts, allow us to help you. Here are 10 tips on how to get the spark back in a broken relationship:
1. Communicate with each other
When was the last time you really had a meaningful conversation with your partner? When was the last time you shared your feelings and concerns with each other? Communication problems in a relationship can drive a wedge between partners, which is why it is crucial to keep the conversation going to keep the spark alive in a marriage. By communication, we don’t mean making small talk or chatting for a bit during meals or before going to bed.
Namrata says, “Get to know your partner on a deeper level. When you realize that the spark in your relationship has gone, you will also feel that there has been a layer of misunderstandings and a lot of masking on behalf of both you and your partner. This is when both partners need to peel those layers and figure out what is going on inside each other’s hearts and minds. Proper communication is a must for two partners will be able to seep inside each other’s hearts and really understand the root cause of their problems.”
Communicate to understand your partner better, see things from their point of view, listen to what they have to say, express your feelings, validate each other, and build an intimate and emotional connection with them. Be honest with each other. There will be disagreements and arguments, but learn to find an amicable solution to those problems. Both partners cannot always be on the same page, which is why you must learn to agree to disagree. Make each other feel heard and respected.
2. Foster physical touch and sexual intimacy
Building physical or sexual intimacy is a crucial tip on how to get the spark back in a broken relationship. A huge part of a relationship involves being physically attracted to and intimate with each other. Sex or physical touch (hugging, cuddling, kissing, holding hands, etc.) has the power to bring couples closer physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Work toward rebuilding the physical closeness that you once shared with your partner. If you are not able to do it naturally or spontaneously, schedule it. If the sex isn’t great for either of the partners, explore how you can make it better and strengthen your sexual and, eventually, emotional bond.
Namrata says, “Sexual activities play a huge role in bringing the spark back in a relationship. Imagine how you would feel if you were having sex with your partner for the last time. That way, the sex is going to be passionate, wild, and loving. Teasing each other, making out, racing your fingers in each other’s hair, holding hands, or just keeping it romantic with certain gestures go a long way to rekindle a broken relationship.”
3. How to get the spark back in a broken relationship? Reminisce old times
Recall the time when you had just started dating and what brought you together in the first place. Talk about the qualities that attracted you to each other. Reminisce old memories, feelings, funny stories, and all the stuff you did together in the initial days of dating or courtship.
Talk about the behavior or characteristics in your partner that turned you on then and continues to today. It will help you connect and figure out why you fell in love with each other and what has changed since then. It will also help you see each other in a new light.
Namrata advises, “When you’re with each other, you tend to discuss and reminisce old times about how you got into a relationship, what was the first thing that attracted you to each other, and other memories that you created in all these years. Revive the activities that you did when you first met. Visit the places that you would frequent in the initial days of dating. It might just bring back lost feelings and emotions.”
It is never easy to get over a relationship that has lasted for years on end. You thought this was it, that they are the one for you. And now here you are, looking for signs he will never forget you after the breakup.
You may be trying to ensure he still loves you because you want to get back together with him. After a bad separation, it is hard to jump back into the same relationship, no matter how much you want to. The best way to do that is by first understanding where each of you went wrong individually and trying to grow as a partner and human being.
Even if you do not want your ex to come back as your lover, you may not really want to let go of the confidante in him. Exes can actually become excellent friends too. You don’t want to lose him completely, and we get you. That is exactly why we have put together a list of the best tell-tale signs he will always love you. So, without any further ado, let’s jump right in and make you worry a bit less.
1. Actively checks in on you
Even if you have parted ways, if he has had a difficult time getting over you, he will check up on you every now and then. This is one of the most visible signs he will never forget you. After all, can a man really forget a woman he still loves?
2. Likes your content on social media
Have you ever wondered why you end up stalking your ex on social media? It is the same reason why he is stalking you. We are not talking about the creepy or obsessive kind of stalking. More of the loving kind where he is one of the first people to quickly check out any new story or post you put up on your social media handles. If you are looking for signs that he will always love you, this is it.
Moreover, he will also share reels, memes, and other social media content with you actively. These are the signs of a man who will never ever stop loving you. We are talking about love in 2022. Memes are important. And no, we are not joking.
3. Asks for your pictures now and then
Be it you hanging out with your friends or even your new partner, he will ask for pictures of you. This is actually one of the most important signs of a man who will never ever stop loving you. Although the relationship did not last, he still wants to be a part of your life somehow. That brings him joy and he takes comfort in photos of you living your life to the fullest.
4. Gets excited to meet you
Being friends with your ex is something that a lot of people are into and surprisingly, most of them share a beautiful bond with their exes. When you are friends with your ex-boyfriend and he still gets stoked about hanging out with you, he is most likely still into you. If he doesn’t cancel the plan and always sounds super into meeting you, this is one of the most assured signs he will never forget you.
5. Picks up your calls instantly
We move on and that is how life works. But if your ex-boyfriend still gives you priority and instantly picks up your call, he still has that soft spot for you. It is one of the biggest signs that he cares deeply for you even now. Whether he is looking to rekindle the flame you two had or just genuinely cares for you, him picking up your calls or calling you back as soon as he can is why he will never forget you.
6. Still tells you everything
Maybe he had a tough day at work or something went wrong on his way back home, he will talk about it with you. This shows that his affection toward you makes him want to be a part of your life again. It brings a lot of peace to him knowing that you are still there listening to him. Hands down, one of the most guaranteed signs he will never forget you and most likely, will always love you.
7. Stays in touch with your friends and family
Breakups can get pretty nasty and yet sometimes, even through the nastiest of breakups, the partners manage to stay in touch with their ex’s friends and family. Sometimes, they become a part of not just your life, but also your ex’s life. This shows that no matter how bad things may have gotten between the two of you, he still respects you and your loved ones. He doesn’t want to completely break ties and call it quits. No, this guy won’t quit easily and may still be trying to get you back.
8. First person to wish you on your birthday
Birthdays are always special and our loved ones make sure that they are always extra memorable. If your ex stays up till 12 at night just to make sure that he is still the first person to wish you, he could still be deeply and madly in love with you. Either that, or he really does value the bond that you two once shared.
9. Always a text away to help you
When a terrible situation hits you like a truck, you will always find him just a text away. He is not going to seen-zone or notification-zone you. So, automatically, you won’t have to think about how to get his attention. You matter to him and he will be all ears when you want to rant about a terrible day or need help with your assignments. He won’t think twice before helping you and that is one of the purest signs that he will never forget you.
10. Still keeps your photos on his phone
One of the truest signs of a man who will never ever stop loving you is if he still keeps pictures of you and the two of you on his phone. We keep love inside photographs after all, right? Photos can take you down a memory lane and help you relive those moments all over again, even if for a few minutes. How can a man forget a woman he loves when these very memories are where his peace lies?
11. You both had a serious-ly long relationship
It goes without saying that serious relationships, when they do not last, often leave behind severely broken hearts that take a long time to heal. If you had such a serious relationship, it is not unexpected for your ex-boyfriend to still be hung up on you. He still has his hopes up or he simply hasn’t moved on yet, and that is completely understandable. When you go through such a breakup, you don’t really forget about your partner. Something or the other will always remind you of them.
12. Often brings up memories that the two of you shared
So, the two of you have been reminiscing about the past and he goes, “Hey, do you remember that incident?” Well, he hasn’t forgotten one moment that he has spent with you and will constantly bring up such beautiful memories of the two of you together. The breakup has not been kind to him. He still loves you and if you are wondering, “Can a man forget a woman he loves?”, the answer is no. Erasing memories after a breakup is important. However, if he is not able to do it, he is still very much in love with you.
13. Can’t stop caring about you
Does he drop a text asking you if you are okay or how your day was? This is one of the most evident signs that he will never forget you. He just can’t stop caring about you and his actions scream that. This is a very common result of relationships that break off after a very long time, say, a couple of years. In that case, talking and sharing things with each other becomes a habit. This habit takes a lot of time to get rid of (of course, only if you want to be rid of it).
14. Still is a shoulder for you to cry on
If he’s still always there for you, it is a big sign that he will never forget you.
Whether you dated a guy who took advantage of your vulnerability and dumped you or you are just going through a rough patch, he will always be there for you. You can still meet up and cry your heart out in front of him while he comforts you. The very fact that he is always up to coming over and comforting you shows that he is never going to forget you. You won’t have to come up with ways on how to make him never forget you. He is already there.
15. Not seeing someone else yet
If he is refraining from seeing someone else, chances are that he is still not over you. This is one of the most common signs that your ex-boyfriend won’t forget you easily. It definitely suggests that he was deeply invested in the relationship and wanted something permanent out of it. He doesn’t seem to be over the fact that it didn’t work out. And if he was the one who ended it, he is definitely regretting breaking up with you big time. It doesn’t matter what you both went through that resulted in a breakup, the relationship left a lasting impression on him and that’s why he will never forget you.
How to make sure a guy never forgets you
On the other hand, if you see signs that he’s starting to drift apart from you, then your worst fears are coming alive. If you want him back and wish to ensure he doesn’t forget you, it is time to buckle up and follow a couple of essential tips. These will not only help you grow as a person, but also help you get back the man you truly love.
1. Be preoccupied and happy
When you are at peace with your own self and start loving your own company, you will not require constant external attention to be happy. This will allow him to witness true growth in you as a human being and automatically come back into your life if he broke things off unexpectedly. Meanwhile, you have to find ways to be a happy woman. Not pretence, but a truly happy person overall.
You can totally miss someone and want them back badly. However, do not let it be a hindrance in your growth and rather, a catalyst. If you want to see the signs he will always love you, you will first have to be unforgettable. What better way than to let all those negative thoughts just slide away and focus on yourself?
2. Don’t be easily available
Can a man forget a woman he loves? Well, this is a no-brainer in the world of reverse psychology. When you are not constantly available to him, he will start to understand your value and what he is missing out on. Moreover, it gives him time to think about what he actually wants. In the process, you are always on his mind and it will be hard for him to forget about you.
3. Don’t be too hard on him
Can a man forget a woman he loves? Well, it depends on whether the woman respects him or is just downright thrashing him verbally left, right, and center. You do not want to hurt him to the point of no return. In fact, you do not want to hurt him at all. If you start bringing things up from the distant past and make them a point of argument with him, then instead of pulling him closer, you will only push him far away.
You want to make him realize you’re good for him, so treat him well. Even if things don’t go back to the way they were, he will always respect you for it all and not forget you.
4. Don’t keep your expectations too high
Expectations hurt and that is the brutal truth. When you get your hopes way too high, it is going to cause unnecessary toxicity in your life. You will be in a constant state of war with yourself where you can’t stop thinking about him and ‘what could have been. Knowing how to manage your expectations is of crucial importance to keep your mental peace intact.
So, don’t keep your expectations high or try to control something that you just can’t. All you can do is try your level best to get things back on track with him. He is definitely not going to forget you if you keep realistic expectations and do not impose conditions on him.
5. Be mysterious
You want to share with him quite a lot of things that are going on in your life. However, do not let him in on all the details. You do not want to give it all away. Add a teeny-weeny bit of enigma to your personality and it will pull him right in. You will be stuck in his mind 24*7 and that is exactly what you want.
Key Pointers
A man who will not easily forget you will constantly check up on you
He will be a text or a call away and will often bring up memories of the two of you together, suggesting that he misses those moments badly
If, on the other hand, you see the signs that he is getting detached, don’t make yourself easily available to him if you want him back in your life
Neither should you completely ignore him to the point that he can’t take it anymore. Instead, add a little mystery to your personality to make him want you more
So, these were some of the most common signs that he will never forget you. If you have had a bad breakup, don’t worry, it gets better. However, if you are still punishing him for something that he has done, don’t pull the act for too long. If you really love him, talk things out and get back together or get some much-deserved closure for the two of you. Communication is the key and it always will be.
FAQs
1. Can a man just forget you?
It is never really possible to forget someone who had once played a very valuable role in your life. We bet you still remember your first kiss or that first fight in a relationship and just like that, you will definitely not forget a person who you’ve loved. A man may get tired and move on if you try to play too hard to get. However, he will never really forget you completely.
2. What makes a guy remember a girl?
Everyone has these distinctive characteristics that make them stand out from the crowd. Whether it is an impeccable sense of humor, your kindness, your brave approach, or your pretty smile, these small things will make him remember you. If he revisits one of those places where the two of you spent a lot of time together, he might drop a text saying that he remembers your very first moments in that place. You get the drill.
Jada Pinkett Smith briefly addressed the Oscars slap incident on Wednesday’s episode of “Red Table Talk.”
Pinkett Smith’s husband, Will Smith, took to the stage at the Academy Awards in March and slapped presenter Chris Rock after he made a joke about Pinkett Smith’s close-cropped haircut.
The actress suffers from alopecia, which causes hair loss.
On Her Facebook Watch show, Pinkett Smith had as a guest the mother of 12-year-old Rio Allred, who died by suicide after being bullied for having alopecia.
“This is a really important ‘Red Table Talk’ on alopecia. Considering what I’ve been through and what happened at the Oscars, thousands have reached out to me with their stories,” Pinkett Smith said during the show.
“I’m using this moment to give our alopecia family an opportunity to talk about what it’s like to have this condition and to inform people about what alopecia actually is.”
She then addressed the incident between her husband and Rock.
“Now, about Oscar night, my deepest hope is that these two intelligent, capable men have an opportunity to heal, talk this out, and reconcile. The state of the world today, we need ’em both, and we all actually need one another more than ever,” she said.
“Until then, Will and I are continuing to do what we have done for the last 28 years, and that keeps figuring out this thing called life together. Thank you for listening.”
It was Pinkett Smith’s first public remark about what happened at the Oscars. In April, a title card at the beginning of her show read, “Considering all that has happened in the last few weeks, the Smith family has been focused on deep healing. Some of the discoveries around our healing will be shared at the table when the time calls.
Until then the table will continue offering itself to powerful, inspiring, and healing testimonies like that of our incredibly impressive first guest.”
Her husband publicly apologized to Rock and the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences in a statement after the incident.
The Academy banned Smith from attending the Oscars for a decade as punishment.
Being in a relationship may be one of the best things in this life and can be so sweet when you and your partner understand each other and are both on good terms. At this point you get to enjoy every bit of what being in a relationship has to offer.
Now a days, most relationships seem to be turning into a give and take situation which has led to crash and break ups in many relationship.
Many would argue that now are days there is no relationship where true love from both partners exists. It’s either the guy is with the girl for what he can get from her or the girl is with the guy for what he has to offer her.
Trust me when I say this that true love still exist in some relationship which is the case of these two lovers, whose whatsapp conversations were leaked by an unknown person.
Below are screenshots of their leaked whatsapp conversation:
From the whatsapp conversation, you would see how this girl who is in love with this rich guy, felt really bad just because her boyfriend failed to turn up in her house as planned and you will also notice how bad the guy felt about it but kept apologizing with ever opportunity he had.
I believe true love still exists only when you find the right partner, but with the wrong partner you wouldn’t believe it does exist.
The question is do you think true love still exists?
Long-distance relationships are like those people in your class that no one talks to except when they absolutely have to.
As lovers know all too well, relationships/marriages are not bed of roses and every relationship is susceptible to highs and lows.
There’ll be patchy periods that you’ll need to navigate with understanding, teamwork and an unwavering commitment.
For partners in long-distance relationships, these things would be required in extra measure as these are the special kind of problems you’ll likely be facing in the relationship:
1. Frustration
The frustration is strong when you go long spells without seeing the one you love and it is especially worse at periods when you feel the relentless urge for sex and you have to suffer through suppressing it.
“Long distance relationship sucks if you (the parties) are sexually active.
“It sucks when you are horny, and when I mean horny, the kind of horny that needs a quick fix and a d**k and there is nothing you can do about it.
“You are subjected to phone sex, that’s if you all do it and your fingers while phone sexing.” says Remi, a Lawyer in Lagos whose boyfriend is far away in Abuja.
2. Insecurity
You’ll also fear what your partner might be up to where he or she is. And if you allow this get the better of you, it won’t be long before paranoia swallows you up and blows up your relationship to pieces.
3. The effort is enormous
Every relationship requires serious work and effort to remain alive. But this is more so for long-distance relationships.
4. The temptation to cheat
Never will the urge to cheat and be with other people be as strong as when you have to stay for long periods without seeing the love of your life. The temptation is achingly severe and it takes extra effort to not lapse into infidelity.
“Long-distance relationships tempt one to cheat, but try as much as possible not to fall into that,” Remi further says.
“It’s very hard to stay faithful, quite tempting since no one is watching. And you have guys all over you.
“It takes a strong will and determined mind not to cheat on your partner.” she adds.
5. You might be disappointed
The thing about long-distance relationships is that you could find yourself living in a bubble where things are just fine because you are not seeing each other in the flesh.
Distance cocoons you away from reality until you close the distance between you and that partner and you actually see and come to terms with how they really are.
After Christy in Nigeria had effortlessly been in a blissful relationship with her boyfriend for seven years, he returns from the USA and things just went down the hill from the moment they set eyes on each other.
“Things just went sour from that moment.
“We had silly, meaningless fights till I could not bear it anymore,” she says.
They eventually ended the relationship to the shock of their family and closest friends.
Ghanaian screen goddess Nadia Buari has taken to Instagram to share relationship advice with her fans.
In a long message, the actress stated that relationships become boring after being together for a long time however what love is not just a feeling but an everyday commitment to love every day, physically and emotionally.
She also added that people call it quit when the can no longer find sparks in the relationship.
The mother of twin girls concluded by stating that the relationship world is real and quite different from Hollywood.
If our ladies will heed to this advice coming from the camp of a Nigerian lady identified on Twitter as @DuchessT, no critical thinking man will ever dump his woman.
According to this discerning Nigerian lady, women should sometimes take their partners out and pay for all the expenses.
The lady posited that any woman who takes his man out, spends on him, shows him care and listen to him will have a place in his heart.
“Take your man out sometimes and spend on him, care for him, listen to him, advice him and you will have a special place in his.†she tweeted.
No man or woman is a candle that needs to burn to give the other light in the name of relationships, marriage or love. If you are single going into a relationship leading to marriage, you should not forget that.
You are not killing yourself to give life to another person. You are not sacrificing what makes you happy just to make someone else happy. If your relationship is not bringing the best out of you but rather giving you stress then you are better off without it.
This is why all singles need to be responsible, ready and know what they are looking for. You owe no one apologies for turning them down. Stop feeling bad for people you don’t want to be with, and yet don’t want to see them get hurt for turning them down.
It is always better to be true to yourself, your feelings and conviction. You are not going into a relationship to please someone. Your relationship with others should make you a better person.
If he or she is trying to control you in the name of a relationship or love, that’s a red flag. If any man or woman doesn’t want you to talk to others apart from him or her, gets upset or angry each time they call and your line is busy or on call waiting, doesn’t want you to hang out with your friends, wanting to be your everything and the only one to hang out with; and when they are not going out, they want you to be in their prison, such a person is not a right partner to settle down with.
They doubt you; you have to make video calls to confirm your location and who you are with. They want to talk to the people around you just to win their trust. Such a person is insecure and not the right person to be with.
People stay in such relationships against their wish or happiness, with the excuse that everyone knows they are dating the person, including their families, friends, social group etc. Yes, you are dating doesn’t mean you are married. A sick sheep is not a dead sheep.
It doesn’t matter if they have introduced you to the world, used your pictures for their Display pictures, status, etc. If the relationship is not working, be honest and let it go. A man who refuses to guide his barber ends up with a bad haircut. Singles should let their head lead them into marriage. A relationship that makes your head useless will make your life useless.
These days lots of people are actors and actresses in relationships. Pretending and faking to be someone else just to keep the relationship. But the question is, why do these relationships end up in divorce in the long run? It’s because everyone is looking for what is genuine, what is original, even when it comes to products, how much more a relationship?
So, there is no need to be a fake just to keep a relationship. Rather be yourself. Say No to what you don’t like, people may hate you, not like you, insult you, say bad things to you but the most important thing is, you stay true to who you are; YOURSELF.
In conclusion, “Stop lying to each other; tell the truth, for we are parts of each other and when we lie to each other we are hurting ourselves” – Ephesians 4:25 (TLB).
Please share it with your friends. Someone out there needs this.
For counseling, feedback, to invite me to speak at your church, school, organization, school or order my new book “DATE WRONG, MARRY WRONG”, call or WhatsApp +233206774279.
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Sounds obvious, but dating experts warn that a reunion-like environment is the worst place for “what are we, exactly?” misunderstandings to occur. Even if it’s a happy hour, make sure you and he are on the same page as far as how you guys will introduce each other. “Having the exclusivity conversation before you introduce him to friends as your boyfriend’ is key, even if it’s uncomfortable,” says Tara Richter, author of 10 Rules to Survive the Dating Jungle.
Play His Wingman
Instead of simply introducing him to the entire group as “my boyfriend,” make an effort to show him off one-on-one with a brief detail he shares with each person he meets-i.e., let your wave-worshipping cousin know he just came back from a surf trip. The more connections he can make with your old friends, the less you’ll feel like you have to be by his side every second, reminds Richter.
Get a Little Handsy
Grab his hand when you’re introducing him to a former flame, or rub his thigh when the conversation rolls back to the epic nights out you and your old roommate used to have. Making sure you and he have body contact will subconsciously remind him how much you want to be with him, even if the conversation is about yesteryear, reminds Karla Moore, an Atlanta based dating coach and matchmaker.
Remember the “We” in Weekend
If the two of you are spending a weekend with your old pals or extended family, research cool stuff you can do alone together, whether it’s taking in a baseball game or checking out a new bistro in town, suggests Moore. And be honest about expectations: Do you want him by your side the whole time, or are you fine with him solo sightseeing while you and your girlfriends catch up over manis? An upfront conversation will help you avoid misunderstandings, Moore adds.
Popular social media relationship speaker Abena Magis has advised couples to pay attention to sex because it plays a vital role in making relationships last longer.
Speaking to patrons who made it to the Rekindle Love with Graphic Showbiz on Valentine event which took place at the Sogakope Beach Resort & Spa from Friday, February 14 to Sunday, February 16, Abena Magis said some couples let themselves go the very moment they marry or have children which should not be the case.
“The reason some of the girls will come close to your husbands is that you stop doing what you did that got your partner close to you. There are several types of intimacy and sexual intimacy is one of them which should not be taken for granted.
“Ladies, learn to try new things, enough of the doggy style, the wheelbarrow, try something new, be spontaneous. And the men, love us like that when we take initiative. The bedroom, couch sex is enough, try different places, the car, etc. After church service on Sunday, try and anoint the car as well, you can do it there,†she said.
Abena Magis’ talk was very candid and she led by example when she revealed that her favorite sex position was the reverse cow girl. “For me, I love that position; it is my favourite of all time.â€
Reverse cow girl is a sex position where the woman straddles the man, facing the man’s feet in a kneeling or squatting position.
Abena Magis also gave a little insight into how she became a sort of counsellor. “I started something called manokekame on Facebook as a result of something that took a toll on me.
“It was just for fun you know but anytime I posted anything on relationships, I realised that people were interested and it became a thing that people were expecting every time so I took it up.
“Again, I have something called booty calls I do from time to time and it is basically about sex. and I realised that majority of the people who were interested and shared their stories were people who had been married for years and I knew it was time to take this thing serious and that has been it for me,†she said.
You don’t need to be happily coupled up or in a rocky relationship to learn a lot from these dating and love lessons.
When Harry Stopped Communicating With Sally. The Silence of The Doomed. Crazy, Silent, Divorced. If the disintegration of my parents’ marriage was a movie, I had a front-row seat. And as I watched the plot unfold, one thing became clear to me: Grown-ass adults have no idea how to communicate with each other.
It was because of this realization though that I went on to become a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) and eventually opened the Wright Wellness Center. Now, every day I get to teach couples (and singles, too!) how to better communicate—especially about touchy subjects like sex, fantasies, and pleasure.
Bottom line: Sex-ed shouldn’t stop after high school, and even perfectly happy couples can benefit from working with a relationship therapist. Below are five things I want everyone to know about dating and sex—regardless of your relationship status or orientation.
1. Sexual exploration can (and should) happen at any age.
There’s a myth that sexual exploration is temporary, like for three months during a phase in college. That’s inaccurate and damaging in so many ways.
For starters, exploring things sexually requires a baseline of trust. The more trust you have with someone the more explorative you should be able to be in bed. And let’s face it: Most people have longer, more trusting relationships after college.
Further, the idea that your early 20s are your sexually explorative days doesn’t take into account the fact that your frontal lobes don’t develop until you’re 26, which means that the sensation of having your arm touched at 32 is going to feel different than how it felt when you were 22. Located at the front of your head, this section of your brain is in charge of giving meaning to touch. So even if you experimented with anal play or restraints at that age, the sensation it might bring you physically, mentally, or emotionally now is going to be massively different.
In my opinion, the fact that STI rates are climbing in nursing homes and assisted living communities suggests to me that people are interested in experimenting sexually well into their golden years. So let me ask you this: Why wait until you’re 80 to experiment and have the sex you want to be having when you could have it right now? Yeh, exactly.
2. Sexual exploration is not a “slippery slope”.
There is an untrue, pervasive idea that sexual exploration is a slippery slope toward debauchery that you can’t come back from. People are genuinely afraid that if one month they add a new sex position or sex toy into the bedroom, the next month they’ll be having full-blown orgies with the entire city. Because of this, you could be too afraid to talk to your partners about your fantasies, turn-ons, and sexual desires. (Related: How To Introduce Sex Toys Into your Relationship).
I can promise that expanding what pleasure, play, and, sex looks like in your relationship is *not* going to cause you and your partner to lose control. The only thing that could do this is a lack of communication and consent—period. (Related: 8 Common Communication Problems In Relationships).
3. You *do* have time for sex.
The only thing everyone has in common is that we all have exactly 24 hours a day. No more, no less. If you don’t think you have time for sex, one of two things is happening. Either, 1) in general, you don’t make time for *any* leisure pleasure, or 2) you don’t enjoy the sex you’re having enough to make time for it.
If you are someone who struggles to make time for yourself, my advice is to start spending five to ten minutes a day doing something that centers you and brings you pleasure: journaling, masturbating, meditating, putting on a face mask, painting your nails, or dancing around your apartment.
If, however, you get manicures every other week, read for pleasure, or get routine massages, the more likely reality is that you’re choosing to prioritize other things before sex. That says to me that you enjoy those other things more than you enjoy sex.
The solution? Make sex as (or more) enjoyable than those other things, and that make take some work. I recommend dedicated 5 to 10 minutes a day to your pleasure: touching yourself in the shower (maybe with one of these waterproof vibrators), running your hands across your naked body, shopping for a sex toy online or in the store, or reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagasaki.
Well, the more you have sex, the more you chemically crave sex. So, while that may not seem like much time (and it’s not), it’s a start that will likely lead to increased sexual cravings.
4. Emotional intelligence makes you a better partner in and out of the bedroom.
Emotional intelligence (or your EQ, if you will) is the ability to pinpoint your own emotions and express them and the ability to respond in kind to someone else’s emotions. It requires a combination of self-awareness, empathy, intuition, and communication.
Let’s say you do something your partner doesn’t understand and they ask you why you acted that way. Emotional intelligence is the difference between responded with “I don’t know, I just freaked out” and “I was anxious and spiraled instead of getting a grip on the route of my anxiety”. It’s the ability to turn inward and name what you’re feeling, instead of avoiding self-reflection, responsibility, or a deep interaction.
A low or high EQ impacts your sex life in an incredible number of ways. If you’re in the mood for a deep, connected sexual experience and are able to recognize that, you’re going to be able to help foster that experience. Likewise, emotional intelligence gives you the ability to tune into your partner’s body language and non-verbal cues and so you can know if they’re feeling disconnected, or guilty, or preoccupied, or stressed, and adjust accordingly, even if they don’t tell you outright.
So, if what you want in your life is more sex or intimacy with your partner, I recommend working on your EQ by learning your own desires and stressors, asking more questions (and listening to the answers), practicing mindfulness, and working with a therapist. (Related:Â How to Ask Your Partner for More Sex Without Offending Them)
5. Everyone needs someone to talk to about sex.
Maybe you want to experiment with butt plugs. Maybe you want to experiment with other vulva-owners. Maybe you want to invite a third person into your bedroom. Because keeping something a secret creates a feeling of shame or wrong-doing, simply talking to a friend about it can help you let go of shame and normalize your desires. (Related: An Insiders Guide to Sleeping with Another Woman for The First Time).
A friend can also help hold you accountable to those desires and interests. They might check in on you in a few weeks to see if you’ve made any “progress” on your desires, learned any more about your sexual interest, or talked to your partner about it.
If you don’t have a like-minded friend you think would be open to talking about getting down, a sex therapist, relationship coach, or mentor can play a similar role.
An unidentified lady has taken her life after her boyfriend ended their 4-year relationship.
According to reports, the said lady reportedly drank sniper after she was dumped by her boyfriend.
It was further learned that they have dated for 4 years before the breakup.
Inside the 20-second video, the young lady can be seen rolling on the floor and holding her stomach while onlookers capture the moment as some passbyers feel pity for the said lady.
The groaning lady was neglected by tricycle rider who passed the scene of the incident and other passers-by.
The wedding ring can be a beautiful, romantic symbol of a couple’s commitment to each other.
But is it practical? Or even safe? In a thread on the AskMen page on Reddit , guys have been sharing just how often they actually wear their wedding rings, and all the different reasons they have for removing them.
Some men responded that they wear theirs every day. “I practically never take mine off,” said one commenter, while another added: “I have been without my wedding ring for no more than a few minutes in total since I put it on 9 years ago.”
Others said that they wear theirs all of the time, except for when they’re swimming, or at the gym. And then there were some who hardly ever actually put theirs on.
“I havent worn mine in about 29.9 of our 30 years married except for the rare formal occasion when we are dressing up to go and she pulls it out of her jewelry box and hands it to me,” reads one comment, adding that they work as a mechanic and welder. “Jewelry doesnt work for me, Id like to keep all of my fingers, if possible, and am usually too busy / hurried to remember to remove it.”
“I only take it off for rock climbing and thats only because I got told off by a climbing instructor,” said one guy. “Apparently they can deglove your hand. Not something I wish to learn for myself.”
The risk of degloving or some other grisly injury is, it turns out, more common than you might think, and at the forefront of a lot of men’s minds when it comes to their wedding bands.
“My dad had to have his cut off by a jeweler, that’s how often he removed his. However, my father-in-law got his finger degloved at work because of his ring,” said one. “Lost the finger, kept the bent ring.”
Prompted by a few other horror stories on the thread, one commenter recommended silicone wedding rings as an alternative to metal.”Im a firefighter by trade and Ive seen an AVULSED FINGER early in my career to know I never want that!,” He said.
“I wear my silicone band 99% of the time and my Cobalt wedding band on nights out with the wife/special occasions. The silicone is very comfortable for a minimalist like myself, cheap, and easily replaceable.”
That being said, bad body language habits are the often hardest habits to break. We become so accustomed to slouching, averting our eyes, or folding our arms that we barely even notice what we’re doing.
Here are several body language mistakes that are going to be tough to ditch. Still, if you’re able to quit them, you’ll definitely thank yourself later.
Fidgeting If you’ve gotten into the habit of fidgeting, it can be difficult to snap out of it. But it’s important to take steps to reigning in this nervous habit.
Fidgeting demonstrates nervousness and a lack of power, as body-language expert and The Power of Body Language author Tonya Reiman previously told Business Insider.
Leave your hair alone. Constantly running your hands across your scalp and twirling your locks is pretty distracting. Plus, as ABC reported, it can damage your hair overtime. It can be hard to quit, so try playing around a stress ball instead of your hair.
Adopting a defensive pose Many people naturally cross their arms or hunch over a bit just because they don’t know what to do with their hands.
However, this posture can make you look uncomfortable, defensive, or untrustworthy.
“You should always keep your hands in view when you are talking,†Patti Wood, a body- language expert and author of “ SNAP: Making the Most of First Impressions Body Language and Charisma,†previously told Business Insider. When a listener can’t see your hands, they wonder what you are hiding.“
Doing weird things with your hands To gesture or not to gesture? That is the question.
Some people keep too still while speaking, while others flail all over the place.
As The Washington Post reported, behavioural consultant Vanessa Van Edwards notes that using hand gestures while speaking is actually an effective way to engage your audience.
The trick is, avoiding the hand gestures that will trip you up. Don’t point, don’t pretend to conduct an imaginary orchestra (seriously), and don’t get too choreographed.
Shuffling instead of walking Humans are pretty judgmental creatures. We think we can tell a lot about someone based on snap judgments over something as simple as their manner of walking.
BBC reported that how we walk can actually determine our risk of being mugged. Criminals are less likely to target people walking with an air of confidence.
It can be hard to change up your walk once you’ve fallen into bad habits, but it’s important to walk with confidence and coordination. Don’t shuffle through life.
Forgetting to smile Reiman previously told Business Insider that smiling demonstrates confidence, openness, warmth, and energy.
“It also sets off the mirror neurons in your listener, instructing them to smile back. Without the smile, an individual is often seen as grim or aloof,†she explained.
Appearing distracted There’s nothing more irritating than talking to someone who’s clearly not paying attention to you.
Some people are just naturally distracted or busy, so it can be tempting to check your phone or watch at every available moment. Still, you’ve got to keep this impulse in check when you’re around others. Otherwise, you’ll just come across as a rude and uncaring person.
Slouching Stand up straight. Terrible posture is easy to develop, especially if you’re slouched over a desk for the majority of the day.
Slouching doesn’t just make you look un-confident, writes Catherine New for Psychology Today, it’s also bad for your back. Improve your health and the image you present to the world by standing up straight.
Nonexistent or aggressive eye contact Here’s another body language pitfall where moderation is key.
What Your Body Says (And How to Master the Message) author Sharon Sayler previously told Business Insider that the ideal amount of eye contact should be “a series of long glances instead of intense stares.â€
Overly long stares can make whoever you’re talking to pretty uncomfortable. On the other hand, averting your eyes indicates disgust or a lack of confidence.
Being too still It’s definitely good not to be jumping all over the place, constantly. However, you don’t want to be too eerily calm during conversations. This may make people feel uneasy, or that you’re not interested in what they’re saying.
Instead, try to mirror the person you’re speaking with. Don’t mimic them – they’ll probably get offended by that – but subtly copy some of their gestures and expressions.
Writing for Psychology Today, Dr Jeff Thompson notes that mirroring will leave people perceiving you as positive and persuasive.
It can be tough to break out of your poker face, especially if you’re just naturally not that expressive – but it’s worth trying, since it can improve how you’re perceived.
Mismatching verbal and non-verbal communication You might be saying all the right things – but if your body language doesn’t match up with your words, you might end up rubbing people the wrong way.
In fact, researchers at Sacred Heart University devoted an entire study to this phenomenon. Their subjects were married couples, but their finding was pretty universal — when verbal and non-verbal messages do not align, “nonverbal signals carry the brunt of the emotional message.â€
Jacquelyn Smith contributed to a previous version of this post.
